Opinions differ over whether it is better for workers to work with other people than work alone. I personally dispute disagree with the view that working with other workers is more beneficial to workers. I believe that workers can do their best when they are working alone. The first reason is that usually the most stressful factor in workplace at work is the relationships between workers. The second reason is that workers can concentrate on the work best when they are alone since there is no disturbance.
To begin with, what always haunts workers is other people at work in workplace. Stress is a main obstacle to workers' best performance. But, However, most of the stress and strain usually come from the relationships among workers. Aside from work itself, the complicated relationships are always making it hard for workers to continue to dedicate themselves to work itself for companies and their achievements. This problem can be considered as a kind of disaster since there is little chance for it to be solved by workers themselves. Skeptics of my main line of argument may argue that my reason does not sound like a reasonable position at first sight. Nonetheless, to their dismay, There exists an abundance of examples that substantiate my claim. In a series of surveys with regard to the work condition, a vast majority of workers which responded that they are stressful stated that the culprit is the relationships between among themselves and superiors or colleagues. They added that the debates conflicts concerning promotion, personal assessment, and other topics in their corporation at work always make them nervous, distracting them from making an effort that they need for their own works.
Furthermore, working alone encourages employers to concentrate on the work. Considering that interacting with other people in workplace at work and accommodating their different opinions into the work is somewhat a time-consuming and demanding task, rather working alone is rather a more efficient way to create the best result. Advocates of the other side of the topic may raise several arguments against this belief. Still, to withstand their vigorous scrutiny, I have a flood of evidence to offer. According to the study conducted by The Ministry of Employment and Labor of South Korea, the researchers observed and asked some questionnaire to the workers regarded as the most excellent employers employees in various companies. They concluded that these workers tend to work alone and reduce time communicating with other colleagues as far as possible to focus on the work assigned to them.
To sum up, allowing workers to work alone is a best way to make better result for the reasons that I mentioned above. First of all, interacting with other workers in at work rather can be an obstacle that causes stress. Last, but not least, workers can more focus on the work when they are alone. (이유를 두 개 제시하면서 First, Last로 이름 붙이는 건 좀 어색하게 들리네요.)
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (23-24)
전반적으로 두 point도 잘 잡고 설정하셨고, 문법 면에서도 큰 오류는 없습니다. 다만 표현 상 어색한 부분이 많아서 본문에 수정했습니다. dispute과 disagree, argument과 conflict 등 비슷하지만 뉘앙스가 다른 단어들을 살펴보세요.
workplace는 폭넓은 의미가 있지만 대체로 추상적이거나 구체적인 의미의 ‘현장’이라는 의미로 쓰입니다. ‘at work’이라는 표현이 많은 경우 더 잘 어울릴 수 있습니다. 여러 가지 용례를 확인해보세요.