▶ Your Answer :
There are some people who believe that
individuals acting alone can affect the preservation of environment. However, I
personally believe that this is impractical because of two subsequent reasons.
First, there should be many people participating to gather many ideas to solve such complicated environmental issue. Not only that, implement a preservation plan effectively. such high level of knowledge is required for such plans to be on a right
track. To begin with, we live in a complex
society. To be specific, there are no direct ways to make change, and we have to
consider interlocked relationship among governments and legal entities. Since
air pollutions are related to manufacturing companies, their production is
linked to a national economy and eventually to international competence. A lot
of entities should cooperate and make an agreement to stop emitting the harmful
smokes. In addition, one cannot preserve the environment by simply reducing
its littering because the effect is small. For example, in 2009, many countries
agreed upon carbon credit system. The system that forces companies to buy credits if a
factory emits harmful gas over its limit, and others can accumulate and sell the credits by
reducing carbon dioxide emission. The new regime successfully reduced total
carbon emission and, I can firmly say that this legislation cannot be enacted
by individuals. On top of that, individuals lack professional knowledge to provide solution to these environmental issues. This means that people need experts to save the environment
effectively. For example, few decades ago, people did not know that using DDT,
pesticide, would harm the underground water and ecosystem. Of course, farmers
at that time tried reducing litters, and they were aware of environment issues, but it turned out that the effort was not enough. However, after researchers found that DDT is extremely
dangerous to the environment, Those farmers decided to not to use such harmful
chemicals. Therefore, it is clear that people do not need to deal with sophisticated
environmental issues, and they need experts for the guidance. - 사람들이 많이 필요한 것 VS 전문가가 필요한 것은 다른 시각으로 접근할 수 있는 부분이므로 반드시 "사람들이 함께 모여 Solution에 대해 연구할 수 있어야 하며 이렇게 쌓인 지식으로 좋은 솔루션을 낼 수 있다" 는 본인의 주장에 힘을 실어줄 수 있는 세부설명을 덧붙여주세요.
To sum up, large scale movement is required
to implement the preservation plan, and people need advice from experts to save
the environment effectively. In this regard, I strongly believe that people
need to cooperate to deal with the complicated environmental issues.
- 주장에 대한 이유를 앞에서 명확히 설명한 뒤에 부연설명/예시 등을 붙여 elaborate해 주세요. 앞서 intro에서는 설명을 불분명하게 한 이유들이 나열되어 있어 본문에서 말하고자 하는 점이 명확히 소개되지 못한 것 같습니다. - 쉼표 사용 / 기타 문법실수 (Cannot입니다, Can not이 아닙니다 등) 주의해주세요.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
|
ORGANIZATION
|
PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
|
LANGUAGE USE
|
GRAMMAR
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
LIMITED
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
|