Some people think that children should play sports with competitive consciousness than for fun, because children should practice how to compete with others in any given environment from any conditions(어떤 환경이라도). However, I disagree with the aforementioned statement for two reasons. First, there are a lot of other places to compete with against others and doing sports is a way by which children can refresh their minds by doing sports.
To begin with, there are numerous areas to compete with against other people. Thus it is important to have a break before competing. (앞문장과 무슨 관계인지 알 수 없네요. “So children do not have to keep that even with sports.” 정도는 어떨지?) I will give my personal experience as an example. When I was in second grade of in high school, I always try tried my best to get good grades at everything, such as sports, music, as well as studying. I felt my energy was exhausted because of these living pattern. I was getting gradually tired from every situation and as a result I got low grades. Since then, I realized that I need break time. I tried to take a rest when I felt my energy was deprived. From then, my grades rebounded even more higher than before. This shows that taking a rest is important for children and just enjoy one' hobby. (“스포츠까지 경쟁으로 할 필요는 없다 그냥 즐기면 된다”는 point를 좀 더 적절하게 요약해주세요.)
On top of that, by playing sports for fun, children can clear their heads. The primary rule of children is studying, and cleaning their head help them think inventively. For example, a study was conducted by Korea Board of Education to determine the relationship between creativeness and refreshing their minds. There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of students who refreshed their minds by having pastime. The other group consisted of students who was studying continuously. They were given the same direction to write difficult essays. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that students of the first group were able to write more creative essays than the second group.
To sum up, it is important to have a rest time and refresh mind to increase competition. I firmly believe that it is better for children to enjoy sports rather than compete with against each other.
Writing 0-30 scale
Fair (21-24)
두 point사이에 뚜렷한 차이가 잘 보이지 않습니다. “경쟁보다 휴식이 필요하다”, “적절한 휴식을 취하는 것이 창의력에 좋다”? 거의 비슷한 이야기로 들립니다.
그밖에 어색한 표현은 본문의 수정을 참고하세요.