▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether the elderly need exercise more
than young people. This is an intriguing
question because opinions concerning this issue can be different depending on
individual perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that older people
should exercise more than the younger generation.
First of all, older people need to work out regularly
because it helps relieve stress and restore health. As they
getting older, people are more vulnerable to disease and stress. To be
specific, daily exercise allows older people to become healthier, which makes
them better manage stress, maintain health, and build a quality life. (위 세 문장이 다 같은 말을 반복하고 있습니다.) Stress is the main cause of disease and
dissatisfying life. For example, when my grandfather was unhappy with his
jobless status after a retirement, it led him to not only a mental problem
but also a physical sickness. But he was able to regain mental and physical
health as he began working out every day. Through this experience, I realized
that the older generation needs more time to work out, so that they manage to stay
healthy.
In addition, it is more beneficial for the elderly to
go out for workouts because it helps them learn
about building relationships with others. Compared to young people, the older
generation have has less chances to
socialize and they are commonly marginalized in the society. Through
outdoor activities, they can gather together and socialize with each other. To be specific, exercise can create
opportunities for older people to get along with others, which as a result
allows them to learn how to build relationships through communicating their
thoughts and connecting to each other’s feelings, along with sustaining a healthy life. Building relationship is a great way
to develop the increasingly important social, interpersonal and communication
skills.(위 문장들도 너무 같은 말을 반복하는 느낌을 줍니다.) For instance, Bill Gates, who is the founder of Microsoft, has made great
accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online that he was very successful
because he was able to build meaningful relationships as well as networks with
people. He did this by making himself actively engaged in exercise. Therefore,
this proves that workout is very advantageous for people to learn to build up
relationships. (예시가 조금 부적절해요. Bill Gates는 많은 일을 이루긴 했지만 젊은 나이 때부터 달성을 했던 업적들이니, older generation이 왜 운동을 더 해야 하는지에 설명이 되지 않는 것 같습니다.)
All things considered, it is
my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and
precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above. Never should we forget
that this issue may have a huge impact on our future.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
20 |
Overall
Comment: |
Good effort. 입장 전달을
확실히 하셔서 잘하셨습니다. 흐름도 매끄럽고요. 다만 위에 지적을 해드린 것처럼 너무 같은 말을 단어들, 그리고 순서들만 바꿔서 반복적으로
언급하시는 성향이 있으신 것 같아요. 그러지 마시고 더 근거를 대주셔서 더 논리적인 글을 쓰시면 좋을 것 같아요. 또한 문법적인 오류들이
잦아서 감점을 드렸습니다. |
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