▶ Your Answer :
Achieving
one’s goal in life is
becoming important these days. So, many parents want to see their children
succeed in life by setting strict rules for them.
However, I think setting strict rules for their children is not a good idea for several reasons.
First of all, leisure or free time is one of the important things children should learn. If parents limit children's
life and make a rule, children can't do what they want. Therefore, children
can't spread their own world. (논리가 조금 더 설명이 부족합니다.) For example, if children should follow the
rules that parents made, their free time gets smaller than before. It results in making children do what their parents want, not
their own. Moreover this life confines their behavior and children can lose their purpose. (근거가 더 필요합니다.)
Also, almost success most successful persons can control their lives.
But, when children grown up who conforming by
the rules, they can't curb themselves. They don't have a the power to restrict their lives,
because their lives
is are already fitted with the rules their parents made. It is not necessary to have a hard
time disciplining their life. Instead, parents should help their children to
do things themselves. Doing so, children can
develop strengths that lead their life. This
leads children to get a confidence and feel a sense of accomplishment.
That causes positive effect. (what kind of positive effect? 근거가 부족합니다. 더 논리적으로 설명을 해주세요.)
Still, children don't have a the power to
regulate their daily life. But this not mean parents should make a strict
rules. I thing, (무슨 뜻이죠?) including the above
idea, cheering up their children and supporting behind them is the best way to
make their children succeed in life.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Limited (0-16) |
Score |
8 |
Overall
Comment: |
Good effort. 전체적으로
문법 오류가 매우 많습니다. 또한 문장 구조가 너무 단순합니다. 근거도 매우 부족합니다. 더 자신의 입장 및 논리를 탄탄하게 해주실 필요가
있어 보입니다. |
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