Children should play sports for fun not for competition.
Some people believe that children should play sports for fun because some children can be have a violent tendency for winning,; while other people think differently. If I were asked to choose, I would say that children have to concentrate on the competition. There are several reasons and example as follows.
To begin with, many people are misunderstanding it, but actually competition is big benefit to children. This is because people move more efficiently and focus on more when they compete. Also, competition is a necessary condition to live in this society, so they have to acclimatize the competition from children by doing sport. If they do not consider a competition when they play the PE, they cannot reach a high destination of sport. For example, when I was senior of middle school,. I had entered in basketball club and I leave(남기다될까요?) final contest of basketball in middle school due to I was a senior, thus I exhausted in this time such as survey of opponent team or practice of my skill.(이 문장은 해석이 안되네요) Then On the day of contest, I could was able to prevail the opponent team because of my faculty and tactic which is made by my investigation. If I did not aim for winning, I couldn't reach this level and could not relish like that time.
On top of that, they (누구인지 구체적으로 명시해주세요) can relish more than when they do not consider the winning. What I mean by this is that, the reason of what we feel the fun in sport is the thrill of win and this feeling are only applied when competition exists. for instance, according to an experiment of Tokyo University, people enjoy more when they compete. To be specific, Tokyo University divided two group with method, first group had to simply play basketball and second group had to set their goal. Then, the first group seemed so bored and second group looked vigorous, also according to interview, the score of second group's satisfaction exceeded the first group.
예상점수: 14-17
총평: 문법적인 오류가 많고 글이 너무 뒤죽박죽이라 fluency와 가독성이 떨어집니다. 글을 읽으시면서 조금 더 명확하게 글이 해석될수 있게 쓰시는 연습을 하셔야 할 것 같아요. 또한 결론이 누락되어 있어서 구조성도 부족한 것 같습니다. 글의 내용은 적절하게 잘 쓰셨고 예시도 잘 쓰신 것 같은데, 문장이 너무 길어지다 보니 오히려 약간씩 오해의 여지가 있는 것 같아요. 구체적으로 명확하게 쓰셨으면 좋았을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다.