Some people in the
past were friendlier than they are today. However, I believe that people today
were friendlier than people in the past for two reasons. This is because people
who are friendly today are popular in society and they can enjoy a better quality
of life.
First, people who
are friendly today are popular in society. Understanding the daily environment
of people and the potential role of being friendlier than people in the past is
necessary to substantiate this view. For example, my friend recently wanted to
get a good job and earn a lot of money. She tried her best to prepare for them
then her hope became true. After getting a good
job, she had a positive attitude for her work. Whatever happened to her she happened, she did not lose the smile and
be stayed friendly to people every times.
After that, she was
popular in her work because of her positive affect. Not only that, she could
strengthen relationships with people who work with her. If she had not been
friendly, she would not been popular in society.
Second, they can
enjoy a better quality of life. In response to the increasing role of being
friendly, many experts’' opinions and research
statistics reinforce the idea that being friendlier than people in the past
enables people to live happier lives. For example, being friendly enables people to break away
from their daily routines to live happier lives. By diverting from the mundane,
people have the opportunity to encounter new activities to increase their life
satisfaction. For instance, making new friends has psychological
benefits. It helps them to detract from job
stress and personal issues all the while generating
self-confidence and motivation from completing a new challenge. In other words, being friendlier than people in the past
provides the convenience for people to seek diversion that invoke feelings of
pleasure and satisfaction and ultimately enjoy a better quality of life.
To sum up, I believe that people today are were friendlier than people in the past for
the following reasons: people who are friendly today are popular in society and
they can enjoy a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my
view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Fair (17-20)
첫번째 본문
-became true 가 더 적절합니다.
-she happened 는 그녀가 발생한의 뜻입니다. 그녀에게 일어난의 뜻인 happened to her로 바꿔주세요.
-stayed가 문맥상 더 자연스럽습니다. 또한 과거 문맥이므로 과거형으로 써주세요.
-노란 부분 비약입니다. 단순히 미소짓고 좋은 태도로 있었다에서 사람들과 어떻게 관계를 맺었는지, friendly 함이 어떻게 popularity에 도움을 주었는지 더 구체적으로 써주세요.
두번째 본문
-노란부분 비약입니다. 왜 friendly함이 사람들로 하여금 일상에서 벗어나게 해주고 삶의 만족감을 주는지에 대한 이유/설명이 없습니다. 결과만 쓰시면 개연성이 부족합니다. 또한 왜 break away, divert 할 수 있는지에 대해 구체적으로 써주세요.
-하늘색 부분 모호합니다. self confidence 와 new challenge에 대한 언급이 없습니다. making new friends가 new challenge가 되는 것에 대한 설명필요하고 자신감은 왜 생길 수 있는지 설명 필요합니다.
-보라색 부분, 마찬가지 이유로 설명이 부족합니다.
결론
-문맥상 현재이므로 were-->are
전체적으로 본인의 주장에 맞는 결론/결과들만 쓰시고 그것에 도달하는 이유/설명이 부족합니다. 그럴 경우엔 개연성이 부족해서 글이 극단적으로 보이고 중간과정이 생략되었으므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. 천천히 이유와 설명의 비중을 늘리는 연습을 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~