▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, people's residential places are classified by the degree of city's improvement.
Big city contains many advantages compared to than
small towns. In this sense, I prefer to live in the
a big city for the following reasons.
First of all, the a big city has
convenient transportation such as, subway, express bus, railroad etc.
Contemporary societies need convenient and wide transportation as the societies
are getting bigger. People have to trip to other places for business and work,
because business districts are concentrated in near big cities and even at the
a big city. I will take my personal experience
as an example., wWhen I worked in Korea, I lived in a small town before I moved to a
big city nearby to near the big city. The transportation was hard
to utilize since small town's road was too old to use as well as had few buses that went to company. After I moved to a big city that, I moved to near the big city,
transportation was so convenient and had a lot of buses
to go to my work station. And then…?
Moreover, the convenient facilities and government offices are
focused on the a big city. Most of people
are live in the a big city and
convenient facilities and government office need people to use. Therefore,
people are getting move moving to cities the city, and
following that circumstances, facilities are going to the big city. People who
live in the big city takes a lot of advantages, because people do not
have to go far away for buying food, or seeing a
doctor. For instance, when I was a student, I lived in a
rural place. There was no facilities to use for people such as, libraries,
welfare centers, even convenient stores, or
pharmacy. When I was getting got a food
poisoning, I should have gone went to the
emergency room, but there was no big hospital in a
rural place I lived in but the big hospital was not in rural place.
Therefore, parents called the police cop
and they took me there. If I lived in a big city, I
would have gotten proper treatment with more convenience. Since I did not live
in a big city, I and my parents had to go through more complicated process, and
I had to suffer more by the disease.
To sum up, living in a the big city
has a myriad of advantages. People can use
convenient transportation to go to company, or school. Moreover, people are
able to use convenient facilities and government offices.
Fair (17) 서론 -people 복수이므로 place도 복수형인 places 로 써주세요. -than 은 앞에 비교급 more, rather, 등등 비교급 표현이 나올 때 따라오기 적절한 표현입니다. 앞에 비교급 표현 없으므로 compared to 로 바꿔주세요. -특정한 big city 말하는 것 아니므로 the-->a
첫번째 본문 -the-->a -I moved 다음에 바로 어디로 move 했는지 나오는 것이 더 명확한 표현이 됩니다. 따라서, moved to a big city nearby 로 써주세요. nearby에 관한 정보는 부수적인 정보이므로 뒤로 빼주시는 것이 좋습니다. -복수형 buses -마지막 문장뒤에, 버스와 대중교통이 많은 도시로 갔다. 로 끝이 납니다. 그것이 삶에 어떤 실질적인 이점을 주었고 시골과 비교했을 때 더 살만한 가치를 왜/어떻게 주는 지에 대해 더 구체적으로 써주셔야 설득력이 올라갑니다. 두번째 본문 -the 빼주세요 -most people이 더 적절한 표현입니다. -are 을 쓰시려면 are 이 이미 동사이므로 live-->living (동명사)로 바꿔서 써주세요. -getting move 부적절합니다. moving to cities 로 써주세요. -and 등위접속사를 이용해서 문장 이어주세요. -앞에 buying food 이므로 뒤에도 seeing a doctor 로 동명사를 병렬구조 맞춰주세요. -was getting 은 식중독에 걸리는 와중에 라는 표현으로 어색한 표현입니다. 식중독에 걸리고 나서의 상황이므로 when I got a food poisoning이 더 자연스럽습니다. -가정법 should have p.p. 입니다. 따라서 should have gone 으로 써주세요. -cop 부적절합니다. police로 써주세요. -마지막 부분에서, 내가 만약 대도시에 살았다면 이러이러한 점에서 더 좋았을 것이다. 하지만, 그렇지 않았기에 이러이러한 안 좋은 점들이 있었다. 로 두 지역을 비교하며 한 곳이 더 좋을 수 밖에 없는 이유를 써주시면 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다.
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수고하셨습니다~~
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