▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that modern life is more
uncomfortable and more difficult than in the past. However, in my opinion,
people today live more comfortable and easier when compared to the past in comparison to the past. There
are two reasons to support my opinion.
To begin with, it is much easier and faster
to get information these days we can get information much faster. To be specific, in the past, getting resource
whatever people wanted was very difficult because people had to go to library
so as to find information as a lot of process to find resources was needed. On the other hand, people today are able to get can get knowledge
very easily due to the Internet. There are a lot of information on the
Internet, so when people want to know something, they can grip the knowledge as
soon as possible. For instance, after my grandfather had a smart phone, he seems
to enjoy a happy life. He always finds some news and watches some movies by
using his phone. Once I met him, he told me that when he was young, it was very
hard to know about the events around the world and to watch a movie at home. 결론 전 까지의 설명은 좋았으나 마지막 부분이 아쉽습니다. 이 에세이를 통해서 어떠한 것을 말하려고 하는 지를 좀 더 서술했으면 더 좋았을 꺼 같습니다.
On top of that, as opposite to the past,
modern people can go to wherever they want rapidly go to anywhere. Due to the development of
transportation Thanks to the transportation development, traveling around world is not a difficult task. Therefore
people today can enjoy their life, spending a time to trip. For example, when I
was in university, I went to India during summer vacation. I got a part-time
job and saved money, which allowed me to travel the fantastic country. After I
came back my home, I told my travel story to my family. And then my father said
the he wanted to go to the country but he was not able to do the thing because
it was very hard to do the trip when he was young. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 일단 독립형 에세이 구조에서 가장 필요한 결론이 빠졌습니다. 독립형 에세이에서 원하는 구조는 인트로 바디 결론인데. 이 에세이를 요약할 수 있는 결론이 빠졌습니다. 또한 각 단락의 마지막 부분이 부자연스럽게 끝난 거 같습니다. 부자연스럽게 끝났기 때문에 이 부분을 통해서 어떠한 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 따라서 좀 더 자연스럽게 각 바디의 마지막 부분을 좀 더 명확하게 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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