▶ Your Answer : Some people think that it is important for government to provide money for things that are beautiful not just for things that are practical. However, I believe that it is important for government to provide money just for things that are practical for two reasons. This is because practical things enables enable people to enjoy a better quality of life and save time and money.
To begin with, providing money for things that are practical is important for people to enjoy a better quality of life. For example, my friend Mary is was (뒤에 부분이 과거형으로 서술되었기 때문에 이 부분에서도 과거로 서술 하시면 좋을 거 같습니다) a member of a design group. When she had a project to produce things, she thought two sides of things, appearance and practicality.But actually no one knew how beautiful and valuable things were. As no one knew how beautiful and valuable things were, people just wanted to know whether it was easy to use or not. After she recognized the people thought different people's thought, she started changing to change her ideas and focusing on the things of practicality focus on practical things. Therefore, she got the meaningful achievement. If she had not changed the idea, she would not have got gotten her achievement and enjoyed better quality of life. 이유에서 바로 예시로 넘어가는 것은 좋은 포인트라고 생각 합니다. 다만 이유와 예시사이에 구체적인 설명이 들어가면 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 왜 실용적인 부분에 돈을 투자하는 것이 삶의 질을 높여 주는지에 대해서 구체적인 설명이 들어간 다음에 예시를 서술하는 것도 좋을 거 같습니다.
On top of that, providing money for things that are practical is important for people to save money. This is due to the fact that many people today do not pay attention to the things of beauty.According to a research done by Seoul National University, 68 percent of participants agreed that people hope the government to use money more practical, because there are many poor people who need help such as a nursing home. As a result, the government would save money on things that are beautiful and use the money more wisely, and it would also help people to live a success in life successfully. This shows that saving money is important for government to provide money for things that are practical. 첫 번째 바디와는 다르게 두 번째 바디는 아주 논리적으로 잘 서술 하였습니다. 특히 가난한 사람들이 도움이 필요하기 때문에 정부가 실용적으로 돈을 사용해야한 다는 부분이 아주 좋았습니다. 앞으로 에세이 쓰실 때 이 바디처럼만 쓰면 좋을 거 같습니다.
To conclude, I strongly believe that my standpoints of the two reasons are sufficiently convincing. First, people can improve their better quality of life and second, they can save a lot of money. Fair: 17~23 점수: 23 첫 번째 바디에서는 제가 첨삭한 것처럼 틀린 부분들이 보였습니다. 특히 어법적으로 말이 이상한 부분이 있었기 때문에 저가 새로운 문장으로 한 번 고쳤습니다. 숙지하시고 확인 하시길 바랍니다. 비록 첫 번째 바디에서는 틀린부분과 고쳐야할 부분이 있었지만 두 번째 부분에서는 논리적으로 아주 잘 풀어나갔습니다 특히 예시 부분이 아주 맘에 들었습니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |