▶ Your Answer :
Although I agree with playing any sports for children, I disagree above statement. I think competition is one of most important factor which can develop their abilities such as concentration of work, protecting from frustration and so on. 일단 인트로에 적합하지 않습니다. 이 부분을 통해서 에세이에서 어떠한 것을 서술하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 좀 더 명확하게 인트로를 서술하시는 것을 추천합니다.
First, children who have a rival even as adult try to overcome their limitation to win. (여기서 말하려고 하는 것이 무엇인가요?? 이해가 되지 않습니다) If they enjoyed playing soccer and wanted to win to opposing players, they spend more time to train shooting skills and health power. It means the competition which stimulates children’s instincts for victory makes them to improve their concentration and ability. These things are very helpful for children to obtain what they want in their life.
Second, Children will be frustrated when they think of losing in competition. The objects of the emotion can be themselves or rivals. I think both are similarly important. When their feeling goes down to bottom of disappointment, they should overcome as finding disadvantages of them such as control of emotion, limitation of talent and lack of efforts. After beyond of problems they find, they can get an achievement. These kinds of overcoming wills make them strong, sincerely.
In this regard, the competition in playing sports is a really important thing excepting for excessive competition. It can make children to learn a lot of things to live their life independently Fair: 17~23 점수: 17 일단 전반적으로 이 에세이를 통해서 무엇을 전달하려고 하는 것인지 모르겠습니다. 어법상 맞지 않는 부분이 있을 뿐만 아니라 전체적으로 에세이가 너무 짧습니다. 에세이가 짧기 때문에 구체적인 예시나 설명이 많이 부족합니다. 이러한 부분이 많이 부족하다 보니 전체적으로 어떠한 것을 말하려고 하는 것인지 명확하게 나타나지 않습니다. 따라서 좀 더 구체적으로 본인의 의견을 잘 전달할 수 있게 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |