▶ Your Answer :
Our economy is based on free market. Everyone can do whatever they want to maximize his income if it abides by the law. Extremist free market believers often argues that even restrictions toward companies are inappropriate, and should be lifted for greater good. (Clarify the meaning) However, I argue that businesses should not do anything they can to make a profit because human rights are more important than businesses' profit and allowing too much freedom to the businesses can harm the whole society.
First, too much freedom (on where?) will lead to human rights abuse. Human rights are inalienable, in modern society, and should be protected even if it means loss of money. However, if companies can are allowed to do anything for making to make a profit, most likely they exploit labors from the first thing they would do is exploiting workers. For example, at the beginning of the industrial revolution, teenagers at the age of 13 to 14 worked at the factory for more 16 hours a day without enough rest and remuneration. The environment in which they worked in was extremely squalid and dangerous. However, as businesses only cared about maximizing the profit, they had no interest on spending money for the worker's welfare. Instead, the company immediately dismissed kicked out lots of teenagers who were injured while they were working. This example clearly shows that what can happen when we allow businesses to do anything they can to maximize profit. (Awkward sentence - Include"negative impact" in it)
Second, businesses which are set free (What does this mean?) can harm the entire society. Some economists believe that if we let companies to do whatever they want, the whole system will make a progress. (This sentence is too positively suggested, in this clause, you need to describe a bad point) However, there are some examples that the companies' excessive pursuit of profit resulted in the failure of the entire system. At the 18th century, many businesses in Spain subjugated many nations and tribes in South America to capture the great amount of resources. This kind of hostile management guaranteed huge amounts of profit at first and made Spain hold hegemony at the 18th century. However, after a century, the businesses at Spain failed to adjust to the new era of industrial revolution because they had to abandon their exploitation system to build a new system base on high technology. As a consequence, not only Spain lost its hegemony, the entire South America colonies were left behind while the entire Europe was developing rapidly. (How is this example associated with your thesis?)
In conclusion, I think that businesses should not be allowed to do anything for their profits because they will violate the worker's right, and entails the loss of the entire society. History tells us that the businesses are infinitely greedy and strong, so without sufficient restrictions, they will take everything from us and our society.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | Score | Fair 17-19 | - 산업화 시대의 내용에서, 먼저 특정국가를 언급하신 후, 바로 쫓아내거나/ 해고하기 전에 다친 이후의 보상이나 항의 및 strike를 하던 이들의 항의가 easily ignored 하였다라는 점을 언급하여 주세요. - 두 번째 spain의 예시에서 어떻게 technology를 도입하는 것이 excessive pursuit of profits의 실패사례가 될 수 있을까요? - Overall, 그래머 구조가 어색한 부분이 종종 보이네요. 보완이 필요해보입니다.
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