▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
airplanes give a greater impact to society than cars. However, I personally
disagree with the above idea for two subsequent reasons. First, cars give rise
to make economic benefits for people. Second, there were not any convenient
transportation (transportation은 셀수 없는 명사이기 때문에 s를 붙이지 않습니다) without human force and animals prior to the invention of car.
To begin with, cars offer a large amount of
profits to both governments and individuals. A lot of people try to buy their
own car when they become adults although cars are pretty expensive. As they buy
cars, a lot of money flows in market, and people should fine taxes. It is a
good news for governments. Also, individuals, such as salesmen and bus or taxi
drivers, need cars to earn money. Let me bring my brother’s story as an
example. My brother had failed to get a job continuously. He had no social
experiences, but had a car license. He got an advice from a recruitment manager
to be a bus driver. Now, he receives regular salary, and feel happy than ever
before. 차사용과 정부한테 가는 좋은점의 연관성이 부족해보입니다. 그만 큼 둘 상관관계에 대한 설명이 부족한 거같아요. 차 사용으로 인해 실업률이 줄었다든지 에대한 경제적 장점에 대해서 설명하는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다.
On top of that, car is the first convenient
transportation which is not moved by living things. The first train moved by
steam-engine also had a shape of car. A historical record written in 1856, by
Charles White, an American writer, shows people’s responses about car’s
invention at that time. Before the invention of car, people should move on foot
or use horses to move to another city.
People did not have to use horses and move to another city faster than
before. They felt that it was the revolution of transportation system in human
society. 이렇게 서술하시는것 보다는. 예전에 동물로 이동할 때는 이동 시간이 많이 걸렸다. 하지만 차의 효과로 보다 빠르게 이곳저곳을 다닐 수 있게 되었다라는 식에 설명이 필요한 거 같아요. 지금 이 바디는 그냥 차가 동물을 대채 했다라는 느낌이 들지 사람들에게 어떠한 영향을 주었다라고 보기에는 어려운거 같습니다.
To sum up, cars have influenced the modern
humankind as to make a large amount of profits and to become the first
transportation moved by fuels. In this regard, cars are more influential to
society than airplanes. Fair: 17~23 점수: 22 전체적으로 논리 있게 서술 하였지만 부족한 부분이 바디에서 보입니다. 일단 첫 번째 바디에서는 차 사용과 정부의 이익에 대한 연관성을 서술하시는 것이 좋을 거 같습니다. 두 번째는 두 번째 바디에서의 예시 사용 입니다. 제가 첨삭한 부분을 보앗듯이 동물보다 차를 사용하므로써 이동하는데에 있어 시간을 절약 했을 뿐만아니라 사람들 인생에 더 좋은 영향을 주었다라는것에대한 설명이 필요한 거 같습니다. 수고많으셨습니다.
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