▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the person who drives
one self’s car during rush hour should not pay a fee. However, in my opinion, I
think that this person should be charged a fee. This is because of the
following two reasons.
To begin with, many people who does do not drive
their own car have many disadvantages about regarding with time because of who drive their
vehicle during rush hour (이 부분을 지운 이유는 앞 문장이랑 연관 성이 없어 보입니다). While rush hour, there are many traffic in the road
and it heightens the driving time. The problem is public transportation (transportation은 셀수 없는 명사이기 때문에 s를 붙이면 안됩니다) are
also used this road. Therefore, the person who rode public transportation also
consume their time in the road and they might be late at work or meeting with
someone else, because of the tremendous amount of the traffic. For example,
last month, I was taking the bus at the rush hour. Usually this bus only took 30 minutes to my destination, it was taken more than 50 minutes because of the serious
amount of traffic. Therefore, I was late at the meeting with my boss, I made my
boss and co-worker angry. 지금 이 에세이의 취지는 차가 가장 막히는 시간에 사람들은 돈을 내야한 다 입니다. 따라서 돈을 내게 되면 도로에 차가 많이 움직여지지 않을 거고 교통체증을 줄이게 된다라는 것을 서술해야 할 거 같습니다. 늦게 가서 보스와 동료들을 화나게 했다가 아니라. 차가 막혔기 때문에 돈을 내게 되면 차막히는 문제가 해결 됬을 수 있다라는 식으로 서술하시는게 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
On top of that, during rush hour, there are
lots of pollution occurs in the air. Since there are lots of vehicles in the during the rush hour, they produce huge amount of contamination while driving than normal
driving hour. However, the tax for air pollution is duty of all people in the
country who does do not drive in the rush hour, so it is unfair to the person who
does not. This tax must be the responsibility who drives the car during the rush
hour. For example, the study conducted by the board of traffic in Korea, shows
that the amount of the air pollution during the rush hour is more than 1.5
times of the traffic during the same amount of normal time. Moreover, they noticed
that the population of the drivers who take their car in the rush hour is one
of third of the population. This study shows that the other two third of the
population unfairly pay their tax for the air pollution because of the person who
drives in the rush hour. 주제와 어긋나는 거 같습니다. 이 에세이의 주제는 교통 체증일 때 사람들은 돈을 내야 하는 거 입니다. 세금이 공정하냐 공정하지 않냐에 대한 주제가 아닙니다. 차가 막힐 때 차를 움직이는 사람에게 돈을 내는 것이 적절한가인 주제이기 때문에. 좀 더 사람들이 왜 돈을 내야하는 지에 대해 서술하시는 것 이 더 좋을 거 같습니다.
To sum up, during rush hour, the driving time
is heightened and it lead many bus users disadvantage, and the amount of the air
pollution is serious than normal circumstances and the tax for this could be unfair
to some people. In this regard, I think that the drivers who take their car
during rush hour should be charged an extra fee. Fair: 17~23 점수: 19 일단 결론에서 보앗듯이 버스 운전사에게 안좋은 점을 준다는 것 자체가 오류를 범하는 것입니다. 이에세이의 주제는 교통체증이 심할 때 사람들은 돈을 내어야하는 것에 대한 문제이지. 뭐가 공정하냐 공정하지 않냐 에 대한 에세이가 아닙니다. 따라서 교통체증이 심하게 막힐 때 그 문제를 풀기 위해서는 돈을 더 내야한다라는 식에 에세이를 서술하시는 것이 더 좋을 거 같습니다. 문법적 오류들은 위에 제가 첨삭 했으니 보고 참고 하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다. |