friends are very important in student's life because friends can give diverse good effect.
some people believe that joining in community activities or traveling is a most effective method for a student to make new friends,
Topic : What is the best ways for a student to make new friends?
-participating in a sports team
-joining in community activiteis
- traveling (v)
while I think that participating in a sports team is the best way to make new friends. There are two reasons and example as follows. (인트로가 적절치 않습니다. 인트로에서는 hook과 상대방 의견 본인의 의견이 나와야하는데 지금 부분은 전혀 본인의 에세이에대한 개연성이 없어 보입니다.)
To begin with, making friends from sports club make makes special trust with a new friend to compare other way. (여기서 other way는 뭘 칭하는 거 인가요?) What I mean is that we have to believe each other when we play team sports game and also we can feel communal maturing of skill and accomplishment by relishing the sport with each other, while other methods in my opinion simply behave with other people, It cannot build a very deep relationship. for example, when I was 17, I entered high school and enlisted two club life, first was a basketball club and second was a community activities club. I was very amused and communicated with many teammates for winning to win, so we very intimate, but when I acted in community activities, it was so bored because the people in community activiteis club didn't have to coordinate, ㅑ mean is that we did a role of self.
therefore, participating in sports team can mold more intimate and many relationships than other methods
On top of that, I can make a new friend more easily, since we have same goals if I join the sports team.
To be specific, the same goal let us talk in order to know ascertain information about goal by conferring his friend and compete due to te their pride.
Thus, I think that they logically shape the relationship of friends.
for example, I was 17, I wanted to get a certificate of Japanese ability and my classmate had the same aim.
one day, we had noticed that we have the same goal.
then, we naturally approach to get good advantage for examination of certificate and we became intimate
Fair: 17~23
점수: 17
일단 너무 장황합니다 문장의 끝이 안보일 거 같이 너무나 에세이를 장황하게 에세이를 서술하였습니다. 장황하게 에세이를 서술하는 것 보다는 간결하게 본인의 의견을 나타내는 것이 가장 중요한 거 같습니다. 이러한 부분들을 꼭 주의하면서 서술하시길 바랍니다. 장황하게 흐름 없이 문장이 서술 되었기 때문에 이 에세이를 통해서 무슨 말을 하려고 하는 것인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 꼭 숙지하시면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셨습니다.