▶ Your Answer : Some people think that Mobile phones have
provided humans more freedom. However, in my opinion, I feel that Mobile phones
are preventing the free life of people because it puts makes it possible for people
be in into risky conditions and makes people stop thinking.
To begin with, people are able to be in
danger because of mobile phones. These days, people store almost all of
personal information in their phones. So, Mobile phones are more likely to be
used for bad purpose by other people.
For example, I lost my mobile phone 3 years
ago. It had my personal information so much. I did not realize it would be a
problem before I got a call from the Shinhan bank. They said people tried to
access my back account through my lost phone. So, I had to change my saving accounts’
password and finish complex security procedures. Therefore, sometimes mobile
phone could make you less free because of many risks.
On top of that, Mobile phones can interrupt
people to think creatively. We You can search anything you want if you use smart
phones today. So, current people do not try to study anymore as much as they did before. It Mobile phones prevent people from thinking in creative ways. It also means smart
phones are preventing people to think freely.
For example, a study was conducted by the
Human Brain Center in SNU to determine whether using smart phones could affect
the ability to think. There were two groups monitored. The first group was
formed of people who spent their time on using a smart phone more than 3 hours
everyday. The other group consisted of people who did not use a smart phone.
They were asked to perform a test. The researchers compared the outcomes and
recorded that the group who do not use a phone was better at creativeness than
the former group. This was because using smart phones degraded the part of
brain which carried out some creativeness thinking. This study demonstrates
that Mobile phones can make people less thinkable and do something freely. (어감이 어색한 표현이 많아요)
To sum up, Mobile phones could make put people
in risky condition because of many criminals. In addition, they inhibit people from thinking and acting freely. In this regard, I think that mobile phones could steal
the freedom of people.
예상점수: 17-21 총평: 어색한 표현이 글 중간에 너무 많습니다. fluency가 이러한 표현들 덕분에 많이 끊기는 것 같아요. 위에 수정된 부분들을 확인해 보세요. 그리고 Mobile 에서 앞에 대문자는 사용하는게 아닙니다. 내용적으로는 잘 쓰셨는데 문단 구분을 좀 불필요하게 많이 하신 것 같아요. 주장하시는 이유에 맞춰서 문단을 나누어주시는게 고득점하시는데 도움이 될 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다. |