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It is common belief believe that the extinction going extinct of some specific species is one of the most influential factor in the environment. However, there is a more persuasive argument that humanity’s activities for development such as releasing toxic subtance from factorys, incenerating wastes and so on have more negative effects on the environment, because these are directly harmful to the environment。 (제가 해드린 것처럼, 문단을 구분할 때에는 엔터키를 두 번 쳐주셔야 합니다.)
We are living together with a number of creatures on the planet such as plants, animals. But (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 않습니다.), among them, some species play a crucial role in the our environment because somehow they take benefits to humanity in various ways to some extent extend. A great many experts argue that specific animals like bees are beneficial indirectly to humanity’s lives. Furthermore, experts emphasis that our lives is likely to be extremely alerted in the future if people do not care about them. For these reasons, it is necessary we should preserve them for the environment.
Nevertheless, most people believe that the main culprit of environmental problem of our time is humanity’s activities that can worsen the environmental conditions for several reasons. First of all, a lot of factories release toxic substances into the rivers, and these substances are likely to damage the environmental conditions. Secondly, people who live in big cities are suffering from the low quality of air conditions largely due to incinerating wastes. People has been afflicted by this for a long time. Therefore, these factors are the most influential environmental problem of our time because these humanity’s activities directly worsen the environmental conditions.
In conclusion, some people probably consider lossing of specific species as the primary reason of recent environmental problem. However, it is undeniable fact that humanity’s activities is one of the biggest of this problem. (바로 앞에도 마찬가지인데, 이 글의 목적은 원인을 찾는 게 아닙니다. 뭐가 제일 큰 문제인지를 찾는 게 목적이죠.)
281word 40분 소요
거의 5개월만에 쓰는 에세이네요! 지금도 같은 분이신줄은 모르지만 시험 얼마안남았을때 첨삭에서 자신감 불어넣어주신 덕분에 8월 첫시험에서 원하는 6점 받을 수 있었는데 감사했습니다!
비록 교환학생은 안가기로 했지만 최종목표 7점 받기위해 다시 펜들었습니다. 영작도 영작인데 논리구성이 여전히 제일 어렵네요.
네 쭌님 오랜만에 오셨네요!! 지난 시험에서 바로 목표 점수가 나와서 다행입니다 :) 교환학생을 안 가기로 하셨다니 뭔가 너무 슬프네요ㅠㅠ작년 한 해, 여러 학생들이 목표 점수를 받고도 코로나로 인해 교환학생을 안(못) 가는 경우가 많았는데, 학생들이 노력한 걸 생각하면 마음아플 따름입니다.
일단 7점 받으려면 무엇보다 문법이 지금보다 조~~금 더 나아져야 합니다. 글의 논리나 기타 요령은 제가 체크해드릴 거니까쭌님은 꼭 문법을 조금 더 끌어올려주세요!
이번 글의 경우도 논리 등에서 문제가 있는 건 아니었지만, 표현상 오류들이 조금씩 누적되면서 약간의 감점이 들어갔다고 생각하시면 돼요.
수고하셨습니다 :)
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