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It is a common belief that non-major subjects such as art and music are nothing more than extra, compared to the major ones like mathematics and English.(엔터x) However, I firmly believe that art and music classes should remain mandatory at schools as it they can foster creativity and create opportunities for students to relieve stress. To begin with, art and music classes can be significantly beneficial for students to develop creativity which does not just fall on cannot be obtained in their labs when they only focus on their study. Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, one of the biggest conglomerates that sells electronic gadgets, once said during an interview that the number one competence for job-seekers to have to get a job is to have creativity. This is because we are living in the era where memorizing work can be processed by computers that we cannot outdo when it comes to such abilities. However, what we should have, in order to take advantages of computers, is the ability to control them and figure out how to deal with the situation we confront, which is creativity.(이 문단에서 art and music classes 가 '어떻게' creativity 를 발전시킬 수 있다는 것인지에 좀 더 집중해서 써주시면 좋겠습니다.) On top of that, it (대명사가 지칭하는 대상이 드러나고 있지 않으니 정확하게 써주세요) creates the chances for students to get rid of stress. Just as painting and music are used as a psychological remedy to deal with mental issue, those classes might reach their hands to the students who are under huge stress due to exams and things they are required to do at schools. (엔터 x) One of the associates from Korean Ministry of Education appeared at the school, when I was a third grader in the middle school, and took the survey asking opinions whether those kinds of classes should be erased off from the curriculum.(syllabus) And In addition(문장을 and, so, but 으로 시작하는 것을 피해주세요), they revealed the result afterward, and it turned out a lot of my peers answered those classes were like sanctuary that they can take a rest in the middle of rigorous time table.(+예시 이후에는 문단의 핵심 내용을 다시 한 번 보여주는 마무리 문장을 덧붙여주시면 좋습니다.) To sum up, art and music classes can not only be great to enhance creative thoughts but also generate opportunities to handle stress issue for students. For these reasons, those classes are as important as mathematics or science, although they may not be that helpful when entering into universities. |