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People have different opinions whether or not children need to participate in after school classes.>> 첫 문장에 들어가기엔 문장 구성이 좀 길어지겠습니다 For this reason>>??, it is generally acknowledged that the issue of attending extra classes has become controversal in the course of time. Some people assert that it is necessary for children to attend extra classes to develop and to improve their study. However, opponents insist that attending extra classes causes negative aspects in health and social skills>> 반대한다고만 쓰시고 나머진 본문에서 본인이 하셔야 합니다 본문에서 이 상태에서 쓴다면 본인의 idea가 아니게 됩니다 . In this essay, both viewpoints will be discussed in detail with appropriate supports.
On the one hand, children can improve their weakened subjects by attending after school classes. Some students tend not to not follow certain subjects in regular classes. As they are attending extra classes, they could make it possible to enhance and to improve weakened subjects. The recent research conducted by Seoul University revealed that 85% of extra class students have incredibly increased their academic credits by learning additional studies. In this regard, extra classes lead children to improve and develop their knowledge as a supplement.>> survey는 안 쓰시는 쪽이 좋습니다
On the other hand, children's health and social skills can be threaten. It is very hard to children to study for a long time. They could easily gain stress from the extra studies, which are not their choices. Since they do the excessive amount of studying, they could put on weight and suffer from the obesity. Moreover, children do not have time to build relationship with their peers. When children do outdoor activities with their friends, they can learn how to share and to communicate with others. There is no doubt to evelop>> ?? the social abilities that lead them avoiding isolation among their friends.
In conclusion, both viewpoints have merits and demerits highly effected on children's develoment and improvement>> ?? effected 란 단어는 없습니다. Personally, I strongly believe that parents should understand and accept their children's opinion about what they want to do. In this sense, they would perform better and achieve more when they do study what they want.
몇몇 곳에 문법 때문에 해석이 안 되는 부분이 있었습니다 스펠링 체크 꼭 해보시길 바랍니다 survey는 아마 학원에서 쓰라고 써도 된다고 가르칠텐데 고득점으로 올리려면 고치셔야 합니다 보통 5~6점 초반대에 쓰는 형태가 survey가 많습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상합니다 |