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There are considerably many arguments on the high income of sports players. Some people maintain that it is unequal and causes feeling of deprivation. However, I argue that it is justified because sports professionals do specific functions unlike experts in other areas.
To begin with, before that I rendering my own idea, I think discussing otherside the opposite opinion is needed. >> 지워주세요 opponents claim that sports stars earn too much money than other important professionals occupations. and It causes uneguality inequality in society. They also insist that every area of jobs is equally valuable. >> 문제에선 이렇게 말한 적 없습니다 For example, doctors perform significantly important roles in the society, which such as saving the human's lives and maintaining individuals healthy. And >> 문두에 and also so or but 은 쓰지 않습니다 police officers discharge samely imfortant the same important functions such as managing the peace of society and saving people in danger.>> 예시는 하나만 들으셔도 충분합니다 Thus, the situation that only sportspeople earn the large amount of money is unfair and it causes a feeling of inequality to other experts >> 결국 했던 말의 반복만 되는 것이고 안 써도 됩니다. >> 현재 본문에서 주장과 설명이 제대로 갖춰지지 않았습니다
On the other hand, I argue that the great quantity of income of professional athletes is reasonable people in favor of sports stars argue the high salary is reasonable. It is because they have special roles which encouraging members of the public and advertising their country to global society >> 높은 연봉에 대해서 주장했는데 국민들은 장려하고 나라를 홍보한다? 너무 비약적인 전개입니다. It is a good example that For instance, inhabitants of Korea were encouraged by successive winning of the foot ball World Cup in 2002. In this period, the GDP and the average consumption level increased sharply. Thus, it caused business upturn in Korea. Furthermore, the level of awareness Korea is increased highly in the western countries and it causes the growth of tourism industry and cultural exportation in Korea. Actually, both the rate of foreigners visition foreign visitors in Korea and the exportation of Korean drama and movie contents rose considerably. These are special function only sports professionals perform. >> 한 본문엔 하나의 의견만 들어갑니다 furthermore는 새로운 주장을 나타내는 부사이기에 적절치 않아 지웁니다 이 부분 모두 지워도 318 자에서 264자로 줄어듭니다
In conclusion, professional sports players can earn more money than other professional experts because they have roles, which encouraging encourage members of society and advertise their countries to other countries nations and others can not >> cannot 붙여씁니다 be involved in>>??.
글을 구성하는 것에서 전체적으로 미흡한 면이 많이 보였습니다 우선 Task1으로 글 쓰는 방법을 기초적으로 탄탄히 쌓는게 좋겠습니다 단어, 문법, 논리 모두가 좋지 않았습니다 Task1 쓰면서 문법 단어 공부해주세요 본론 논리 전개 역시 다른 글들 보면서 나중에 참고해보시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 4 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
4.5 예상합니다 |