The majority of people are under illogical and stereotypical assumption that household tasks from house chores to forestingchildren >>?? must be fully accomplished liable to females, although economic participation of women in public affairs has been markedly climbing >> 굳이 필요한 내용은 아닌 듯 싶습니다. This notion, however, does not make sense when considering various aspects. I am strongly remain convinced that husbands or fathers also ought to have the same responsibility to work at each their own family home shelter. There are many argumentations to support my position, but two main reasons which reliving stress and child education >> 이 두개를 한 번에 포함하는 큰 범위의 말을 서론에 써야 합니다 뭘 써야 하는지 당장 모르겠죠? 그걸 생각해내는 훈련이 필요하고 그게 됐을 때 비로소 글을 잘 쓴다는 소리를 듣습니다 그 훈련이 매일 해도 한 두달 이상 걸리구요 are stated and explained in detail below.
Firstly, I believe that it is very crucial to pay attention to the increasing number of economic activities of women. >> 경제 활동하는 여성들의 수가 늘어나는 것에 대해 관심을 기울이는게 여성과 남성의 집안일을 나눠야 한다는 것에 대한 주장이 될까요? This is due to the fact that >> that 다음은 완전한 절이 나오게 됩니다 from my experience. It is very common topic discussion on boards or social network such as Facebook or Twitter. For example, last June, I came across a tweet content about relatively high aging speed of aging of house wives rather than ordinary workers. This made people feel frustrated because the main reason of aging was not excessive physical labour, but psychological labour; that is stress. From this, I learned that whole duty in house may induce high level of stress and it should be distributed with husbands. >> 주장하고 바로 예시가 나오는건 좋지 않습니다 둘 사이에 연결을 하는 역할을 하는 주장에 대해 설명하는 글이 있어야 합니다 제시한 주장 (관심을 기울인다란 주장)과 예시는 전혀 관련도 없구요
What is more, another important point that I feel is worth mentioning is positive impact of children education in family. >> 주제는 단언적으로 말해야 합니다 the distribution of household chores gives a lesson to children. >> 뒤에 나오는 말들은 또 예시의 형태네요 Surprisingly, I read an article in the Korean Herald about education and it aroused my curiousity For instance, Reffering to a survey conducted by Seoul university professors, >> 연구 사례를 드는건 좋지 않습니다 experts on pediatrics, >> 콤마 넣어주세요 professors 들이 experts 란걸 수식해주는 식으로요 claimed that the infants who were cared by both mother and father are likely to have more sound characters and stable permanents >> stable permananets 가 무슨 말이죠? than those who were brought up from mother’s hands. Even more surprising was the fact that the former show 17% of high rate of university admission,>> when 이 문두에 나오면 when 절 뒤에 콤마가 붙지만 이렇게 뒤에 나올 땐 앞에 콤마가 붙지 않습니다 when they grown up. It means that strong bonding of family affects child’s personality and even educational degree. >> 예시가 두개 쓰였네요
In a nut shell, I believe these arguments >> what arguments ? provide sufficient proofs with , regarding male roles and in household. Obviously, any arguments will be met with strong opposition, but I think modern people would agree with my view >> what's your view ?. >> 사람들이 내 관점을 따를 것이다 이런게 아니라 문장 전체를 정리하는 곳입니다