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This bar chart >> graph chart->graph graph->chart 라고 바꿔주세요 illustrates the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia >> 이건 표절입니다 테스크를 페러프레이즈 할 실력이 없다면 6점대 받기 힘듭니다 by sex each gender during the period of 1999>> proportion 으로 나타낸단 말은 없네요.
To begin with, in overall, the proportions of males in skilled vocational diploma, postgraduate diploma, and master`s degree are enourmously higher than females, whereas the figures of undergraduate diploma and bachelor`s degree in males are lower than and fairly similar with its those of females. >> 오버럴은 본문입니다 서론이 아닙니다 디테일하고 같은 맥락이라 단락 나누지 않습니다 In terms of higher educations, such as postgraduate and master`s degree, mens are seemed to account for much higher percentages (just over 70% and about 60% respectively) than womens (postgaduate diploma - nearly 30%, master`s degree - and approximately 40%) . 메모장에 적는 것처럼 하시면 안 됩니다
On the other hand, the figures of undergraduate diploma and bachelor`s degree show the opposite trend to higher educations.>> 오버뷰입니다 The proportion of women in undergraduate diploma (just above 70%) is roughly twice more than its that of men (around 35%). The percentge of women in bachelor`s degree (about 50%) is also slightly higher than men (around 45%).
However, in skilled vocational diploma, it shows significant gap between males and females. The proportion of males (about 90%) is , surprisingly, 9 times more than that of women (around 10%).
디테일 부분에서 수치가 모두 괄호로 묶여 있습니다 구조도 중복되고 가끔 가다 쓰는 괄호인데 이렇게 빈번하게 쓰면 좋지도 않습니다 언급하면서 직접적인 수치 비교를 나타내보시길 바랍니다 오버뷰는 오버뷰끼리 묶어주세요 문장 중간에 오버뷰 나오는거 좋지 않습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다
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