The
line graph chart >> 테스크랑 주어마저도 똑같이 쓰지 말아주세요 shows the percentage of older people who aged 65 and over in Japan,
Sweden, and the USA over the 100-year period between 1940 and 2040.
The
percentage of the old USA people increased steadily and was the highest by
1995. By comparison, the number of the old Swedish in Sweden which was the second highest
proportion increased considerably from about 13 percent in 1995 to 20 percent
in 2010. In
case of Japan, it was the lowest percentage at 5 percent, showing a slightly
fluctuation. Whereas, the figure rose gradually, and it is predicted to go up
significantly from at 10 percent to at 25 percent in 2030. >> 같은 관점을 분석하는 본문이니 문단은 안 나누셔도 됩니다
테스크 1에 대해선 간단한 실수가 눈에 띕니다 Task2 써도 될 솜씨지만 주제에 따라 영향을 받는 분들이 많으니 Task1 한 번만 더 적어보시고 좋다면 Task2 작성해달라고 코멘트 드리겠습니다 두 번째 Task1 이라고 코멘트 남겨주세요
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다
Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is true that there are many universities which have the different number of male and female students in their subjects. Therefore, some people argue that it is unequal to accept the number of students differently in each subject because of their gender. However, I believe that the system which forces university to allow students equal numbers of gender is not necessary. >> 처음 시작은 바로 시작하지 않고 부사로 부드럽게 시작을 합니다 To begin with 같이 시작을 해주는게 좋습니다 또한 therefore 같은 부사는 본문의 마지막 줄 즉 정리를 쓸 때 그 부분이나 결론에서 마지막 총 정리 시에 쓰는 것이 좋습니다
Admittedly, it has some advantages for students. By passing the system, male and female students can not only learn with the same ratio of gender but also have advantage to attend to university. For example, a guy who chooses a major which most men prefer less relatively can have the high opportunity. Also, the class which has the gender balance gives students more satisfactory than other classes which don’t. >> 주장 - 주장에 대한 설명 - 예시의 형태로 진행되는게 논리 구성과 개연성 부분에서 최고의 구조입니다 시작도 Admittedly 가 아닌 First of all 등 본인의 본문의 시작을 알려야 합니다 각 문단 모두 알맞은 부사로 시작하는게 좋습니다 또한 don't 같은 축약형을 사용하지 않습니다 also so and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다
However, I think it is unnecessary because of their preference of faculty. There are some faculties that male students like and want more than females, while there are also opposite faculties that female prefer. For example, the subjects like science and sports are selected more by men than women. By contrast, far more female students choose the subjects such as nursing, children education, and cosmetic science. Moreover, the system gives students unequal because it makes competition ratio higher between same genders. That’s easy to say that the number of men who apply to university is far larger than the number of seats that university has in comparison with women.>> 의견을 이렇게 따로 제시할 것이 아니라 agree면 agree disagree면 disagree에 대해서 두 의견을 제시하면서 주장 제시와 함께 의견 표출을 하는게 좋은 글입니다 또한 본문 중 Moreover, By contrast 등이 보이는데 주장을 제시하는 부사이므로 사용을 피해야 합니다 각각이 하나의 주장이므로 이 글에만 주장이 세개가 들어간 꼴이 됩니다 설명이 짧구요 That's 도 축약형입니다
To conclude, I am not convinced that universities need to accept numbers of men and women equally in every subject. However, since what students prefer is different by gender, I think this system is not necessary for students. >> However~~~ I think~~ 가 아닌 To conclude, 이러이러한 이유로 이것이 agree/disagree 돼야 한다. Therefore, 이러이러한 것에 나는 찬성한다 ( 테스크 페러프레이즈)