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A lot of animals ,currently, are currently endangered in the world. Some people ,while others argue that we ought to tackle issues of human being first, say how to shield them from dying out ,while others argue that we >> human beings ought to tackle issues of human being first solve their tasks first. In my point of view, I argue people in modern society should be concerned about a wide range of problems of human beings.
Firstly, as for the food chain, the people should shield animals from dying out. >> 이건 그저 주제를 반복한 것에 지나지 않습니다 For example, the elephants, tigers, >> 세개 항목 중 마지막 항목 앞에 and/or 앞엔 콤마를 넣습니다 and lions endangered should be prevented from illegal hunting.>> 주장에 대한 설명도 없이 바로 예시가 나오는건 좋지 않은 글입니다 It is a crucial issue that their population is sharply decreasing sharply in the Earth. Hunting illegally animal illegally, people ,even poaching occur in a wild-life preserve in Africa, should be given to more severe punishments. >> 말이 어떻게 되는거죠? 콤마의 사용을 잘 모르시는 부분인 듯 싶습니다 And >> 문두에 and also so or but 은 쓰지 않습니다 , widely, we >> we 가 아닌 3인칭의 people 식으로 쓰는게 좋습니다 notify people from all over the world that many animals have been killed by illegal hunting as public campaign and advertising on TV. In addition, a variety of animals
have been dwelling in cage in zoo which is insanitary and uncomfortable. They ,apart from group and their parents, are under heavy stress. In the year, many animals including rear those of them have been dying out in zoo. Officers in the government have ,if it is difficult considerably to cope with animals living in cage, to decide whether releasing them to wild. Or, the government and social associates fund zoo, making analogous to wild place and prey it for animals living in and trainer work environment enforced. >> 현재 in addition 부터 다른 얘기가 나오고 있습니다 동물원의 얘기를 하고 있죠 In addition 자체가 주장을 나타내는 부사라 옳지 않고 한 본문에 다른 주장이 두개가 들어가는 것도 틀립니다 밑줄 부분을 살리던가 밑줄 부분을 지워주세요
Secondly, after all, we people should focus on human beings regarding of problems to tackle rather than on animals dying out. Recently, we ,for example, >> 뒤에 콤마가 필요합니다 bullying at school and environment problems, confront countless issues. >> 역시 설명 없이 예시가 나왔네요 These days ,suicide incident of students rising up>> 이 문장의 동사는 어딨나요? annually due to the fact that many students ,victims, are suffering from violence by other friends in the same class in school. Faculties of school practice education in relation to relationship among friends and worthy of life and have argument that police officers should be stationed in class and surrounding school. People ,meanwhile, should emphasize on environment trouble that it cannot be deniable that glacier resolved break up and the population of polar bear dwindle. Delegates of countries enhance law to censor amount of carbon dioxide discharged from plants and cars. >> 이 부분도 적절치 않습니다 Meanwhile 이란 부사도 윗 본문과 마찬가지기도 하고 글을 쓰면서 계속 다른 주제로 빠지는 경향이 많이 보이네요 밑줄 부분 없애주세요
To sum up, nowadays, there are many animals` species dying out in the world nowadays in relation to various problems , >> 반면에 라는 뜻의 while 이나 whilst 앞엔 콤마 넣어주세요 whilst I believed personally that people pay attention to problems of human beings above mentioned.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 띄어주고 써주세요 결론은 두 문장으로 구성해주세요 저 상태에서 쪼개던지 중간에 새로운 문장을 하나 더 추가해주시는게 좋겠습니다 글을 쓴 지 얼마 안 되셨나요? 적응이 안 된 상태에서 자주 나오는 주제에서 탈선하는 모습이 많이 보입니다 처음 보자마자 글이 너무 길어서 분명 다른 주장이 본문에 있을거다 싶었는데 역시 있었습니다 이렇게 길게 쓰면 실제 시험장 가서 Task2 만 쓰고 나올 수 있습니다 줄여주시고 우선 글의 아웃라인이나 개요를 짜는 연습을 Task1을 쓰면서 해주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상합니다 |