▶ Your Answer :
To encourage students to have be involved in/with volunteer work, some universities give incentives to their students. Some people strongly agree with this idea while there are also many people who are against it. In my own opinion, it is not a beneficial method for both students and universities in terms of letting students know the real value of volunteer work. My reasons are below. First of all, many students participate in volunteer activities for the sake of just themselves because not only they can be awarded some credits from their faculty but also avoid taking difficult courses by doing volunteer work. For example, when I was in university, my friends and I I and my friends volunteered to gain credits and also not to take difficult academic courses for us. In this regard, volunteer work can be used by us and other students instead of attending tricky courses. According to the National Education Research Center in Seoul, over 95 percent of college students attended volunteer work in 2014 but out of all of them, only about a quarter of students feel sense of proud or satisfaction through volunteer activities. In addition, most of the students do not know the real value and meaning of community work although they show high attendance rate of those activities. In conclusion, from what has been stated above, providing students with incentives for participating in volunteer work is not a good method because it will be only a way to get necessary credits for students. Furthermore, those works do not transform students to involve in volunteer work with feeling of willingly compassion.
Score: 6.5 Comment: Persuasive 하게 쓰신 것 같습니다. Conclusion 부분은 더 쓰시는 것을 연습하시면 improve 할수 있는 부분이라고 생각합니다. 글쓴이의 생각이 잘 전달되고 있습니다. 조금 더 explanatory 하시거나 elaborate하시면 더 좋은 글이 될수 있다고 생각합니다. 세 번째 문단은 짧다는 생각이 듭니다. 주로 한 문단에는 4~6개의 문장으로 만들어 진다고 보시면 됩니다. 이 부분은 문단의 내용을 elaborate를 하시면서 채워주시면 될 것 같습니다. Composition같은 경우는 잘 하신 것 같습니다. |