▶ Your Answer :
Today, our society has have a many museums, such as history museums and art museum and so on. Among them, some museums charge for admission while the other museums are free. In my opinion, free admission have more advantages. <(advantage가 더 많은 것과 달리 장점이 단점을 커버할 만큼 좋은지, 더 중요한지, 더 큰 영향인지에 대해 묻고있는 질문입니다)
The purpose of museums is to that give many and various information for many people. In these days, many young people are not interested and don’t<(formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않습니다. 풀어서 써주시는게 좋습니다) know about history or other art. So if they must pay receive the admission fees, then they would not want to visit museums as much don’t try go to the museum. However, if the museum is free then they might have more interests in visiting the museum go to there and then get information. People who know about history will be helpful for the country. And of course, if we charge for admission, then museums can be maintained better clean and better. However, in general, museums admission fees are is almost $30-40 for just one family. So they might rather spend the money for something else like for food. be spend money for other way such as eat something. It should be that many people go to free charge museums or they don’t go such a place. <(의미전달이 잘 안되는 문장입니다) For example, in my case, I rarely go to the museums because I’m not interested such a place. However, if the place is free, then I might as well go there because it’s free. Museums open to the public without fees are helpful for people who are not usually interested in visiting such places No charge is helpful who don’t interested that place such as me.
In conclusion, museum admissions fee should be free. As a result, many people can go to the museum and they can gain many get lot of information such as our history. Moreover, funds for maintenance can be provided by donations from people or help from the government Also, maintain fund can be people’s donate or government support. <(결론이 introduction이나 질문가 매칭이 잘 안됩니다)
Score: 4.5 Comment: Composition, coherence, cohesion, 그리고 organization이 많이 부족합니다. Compositon는 꼭 세 문단이 나쁜건 아니지만 주로 4~6문단으로 에세이를 정리 해주시면 더 좋습니다. 지금은 body내용을 모두 한 문단으로 넣으셨기 때문에 전혀 정리가 안되어있고 너무 많은 내용이 한 topic안에 들어 가있씁니다. coherence과 cohesion은 내용 연결성과 흐름에 신경을 써주시면 될 것 같습니다. 문법상 틀리시는 곳이 너무 많습니다. 먼저 formal essay에는 contraction을 쓰지 않고 informal한 표현은 최대한 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 그리고 다양한 표현이나 reference를 써주시면 좋습니다. 또한 register가 조금 낮게 들리는 부분들도 있습니다. 표현 공부와 문법 공부를 더 하시고 내용 organization연습을 더 하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. organization은 outline형식으로 해보시는 것을 추천합니다. essay outline format가 따로 있을 겁니다. 그 다음에 질문을 조금 더 답해주는 정리를 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |