▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that the authority of
women has significantly increased in society in the last than few decades. With regards to this
issue, some people may insist that most juvenile can be got crooked <(?)that derive
from because of women who are working at outside.<이 이유를 결론을 내는것이 아니고 그저 글쓴이의 주장을 주시는 것이기 때문에 Therefore이라는 cohesion는 어울리지 않습니다> Therefore, I agree with this contention as
it has negative impacts towards people's offspring.
It is true that in nowadays, women were
possessed weak authority in society but it has completely changed as many women
are pinpointed with higher positions in society chairwoman of big company and even president of country.
For instance, the first female women president was elected in Korea that had not
happened ever through history of Korea because citizens thought that a women
would have a had weak mind or mental ,and also they would suffer to take leadership
among other guys. <(Not needed. 요즘 사회에서의 여성의 자리 보다는 왜 여성이 일하는 것이 아이들에게 나쁜 영향을 끼치는지 바보 서술을 해주시면 됩니다)
On top of this, a great number of mother
are working on workplace even if they have baby at home. Therefore, the rate
of juvenile crime surges rapidly, because when they get home, there is nobody to
welcome them, thus, this phenomenon lead students tend to be stayed in outside with friends where always have friends. In according to a survey conducted in Korea last
year, the over half of married women lived in a double income family, thus, their
children did not receive care from their parents.<Parents의 care인데 mother와의 relationship으로 내용을 연결 시켜주시면 흐름이 조금 어색합니다.> For this reason, the relationship
between mother and offspring will be broken as they do not have sufficient time
to spend together, then this trend make them to guides them to the wrong direction on wrong way.
To conclude, it is clear that one of the reasons
of the growth proportion of juvenile crime can be resulted from women who are working have
baby at home because they do not adequate time to care about their child. '
Score: 6 Comment: Juvenile crime에 대해 focus를 해주시지 말고 다른 young people problems에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 왜 엄마가 아이와 시간을 보내지 않는 것이 이러한 문제들을 발생시키는지에 대해서도 서술을 해주시면 더 좋을 support가 될 것 같습니다. 두 번째 문단의 경우 필요없는 문단입니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 support 해주거나 reasoning을 해주는 문단이 아닙니다. 문법상 표현/collocation/article use/sentence structure/전치사 활용/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 특히 문장구조나 phrase structure이 어색한 경우가 많습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |