이번 글은 시간 제한 없이 새로 구상하여 작성한 글입니다.
The bar chart shows the information about the production and consumption of electricity in top ten countries. (여기의 경우 원래 글에 말씀드린 것과 같이 이렇게 적을 경우 의미가 미묘하게 달라지기 때문에 수정이 필요합니다. 충분히 영작 실력이 좋으신 만큼 스스로 잘 바꿔주시리라 생각되지만 혹시 모르시겠다면 댓글 한번 주세요~)
Overall, it is clear that the amount of electricity which is produced was more than the amount of its consumption, except the case of Germany. Meanwhile, production and consumption of electricity in China and United States were done in an overwhelming scale, compared to the other eight countries.
Looking at the chart more closely, the figures of China was so enormous (이건 구어체에 가까운 표현이라, 웬만하면 다른 표현을 찾아주셔야 합니다. 특히 KHW 님 정도의 영어 실력이면 꼭 바꿔주셔야 경쟁력을 가질 수 있어요.) that it was higher than the sum of United States and Russia which were the second and the third on the chart. China produced 5,398 billion kWh and consumed 5,322 billion kWh, followed by United States which produced 4, 099 billion kWh and used 3,866 billion kWh.
Though Russia, Japan, and India was also in the top five countries, their figures were much less than that of the United States, reaching around 900 billion kWh in production. The next three states also showed a similar pattern consuming nearly 500 billion kWh in each. Germany was special in that it used around 60 billion kWh of electricity more than it produced. (이미 앞에서 했던 말이므로 굳이 다시 적지 않아도 됩니다.) Lastly, Republic of Korea was the 10th country in the rank chart, whose figure was less than 500 billion kWh in both categories.
총평: 이전과 달리 내용상의 문제는 해결이 된 반면 문법상 문제라든지 표현상 수정이 필요한 사항들은 보였으므로, 첨삭해드린 내용을 확인해보시고 수정을 해주세요! 특히 구어체는 웬만하면 사용하지 않도록 신경써주셔야 합니다. 수고하셨습니다 :)