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*본 에세이는 글 18218번을 다시 써서 재업로드 하였습니다. 점수에 대한 개념이 없어서 수정한대로 점수 채점을 해 주시면 비교해서 이해하는데 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 죄송하지만 부탁드리겠습니다. As society has advances, a lot of countries suffer with population problems. A number of nations has bigger population of young adults than old individuals and I personally consider that the benefit of this phenomenon outweigh the negative sides.
First of all, young generations make most income in society. Young ages are one of the most active periods in people’s life. They spend most time on working to earn money, and then, use the rest time to utilize their income for paying tax and buying products for their nation and family. These work and consumption affect the growth of economy. In addition, as young generation is an important workforce, a government needs to keep their population and young adult can deal with this while old generation needs to be cared by younger generations. Therefore, bigger population of youngsters is needed to manage social needs.
On the other hand, young generation needs wisdom which old generation has learned by time. As old generation has lived longer than youngsters, they already have most experiences which young generations are suffered from. They might have less knowledge about advanced technology but they know more how to act to natural disaster. The research which is studied about climate change by UN in 2015 showed that traditional ways to hide from natural disaster had smaller portion of loss of lives rather than dealing with high technology. It is because old generations already experienced in their life. Therefore, if there is lack of old generation, youngsters need to face troubles which they can avoid with old people.
Overall, old generation can help young generations with their wisdom which they learn by time. However, most workforce is from youngsters and they have more opportunities of regeneration. Hence, the advantage of bigger population of young people outweighs the disadvantages.
또한 18173번 글에 선생님께서 수정하라고 말씀하신 부분에 대해 댓글로 수정부분을 남겨두었습니다. 찾기 번거로우실 것 같아서 제가 가지고 왔는데 확인해 주시면 정말 감사드리겠습니다. 항상 감사드립니다.
*1인칭 수정부분 Because of this reason, it is hard to say that we should share every information (여기도 1인칭이 쓰이지 않도록 수정해주세요~) from A to Z and some should be kept keeped as their own skills. →Because of this reason, it is hard to say that every information should be shared to anyone and some of it should be kept as property of someone.
*결론문단 수정 Overall, sharing information can give more equal opportunities for mass people (and it has possibility to give less harm on environment. 윗 문단에서 삭제하는 게 낫다고 하셔서 결론에서도 지웠습니다.) However, some information is expertise as intellectual property which can be utilised to make profit. (본문 두번째 문단을 요약한 내용으로, 정보는 예전에 비해 많은 힘을 가지고 있으며 그것은 지적재산으로서 이익을 창출하는데 중요한 역할을 한다. 라고 쓰고 싶었습니다... 수정을 해 보았는데 제가 처음에 쓰고 싶은 내용으로 작성이 가능할지, 안된다면 수정한 내용이 나은지 궁금합니다.)
지금까지 두번째 받은거지만 첨삭으로 정말 많은 도움 받고 있습니다 :) TR, CC, LR 분야의 점수를 올리기 위해서 어떻게 공부를 해야 하는지 궁금합니다. 감사합니다.
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