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*본 에세이는 글 18216번의 일부내용을 수정하여 재업로드 하였습니다. 점수에 대한 개념이 없어서 수정한대로 점수 채점을 해 주시면 비교해서 이해하는데 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 죄송하지만 부탁드리겠습니다.
A: 네 meao님~원래 제가 드리는 점수는 의미가 없고, 특히 재첨삭 쪽에는 더더욱 그렇기 때문에 재작성 글은 일부러 점수를 빼고 있긴 하지만, 말씀해주셨으니 일단 넣기는 하겠습니다. 그렇지만 절대적으로 참고 정도만 해주세요! 여기서 오차는 있을 가능성이 있습니다 :)
The given are maps which illustrate the present of Islip town centre and the planned development of the same area. In general, not only a better transportation system but also new housing areas are planned to be built.
First of all, there is a main road which crosses the centre of Islip town and shops are built in a row on either side of the main road. From this main road, the north part, above the shops, above the north shops is the countryside. At the south part, below the shops Below the shops in the south, housing area is located, moreover, a school and park are situated in the west and east parts of this housing area respectively. (새로운 문장으로 넣어주시면 됩니다.) (이 문단은 현재 상태를 보여주는 내용이므로, 이를 전제해주세요~)
However, it is planned to be restructured through the whole city centre is planned to be restructured. It is planned that the main road would The main road is planned to become an area only for pedestrians and the cnetre centre will be surrounded by a new dual carriageway. In the inner side of the road, the north part of the new pedestrian road is planning planned to be filled with a bus station, shopping centre, a car park and a new housing area from west to east. The shops at the south part of the new pedestrian road would remain untouched. However, the below area of shops the area below the shops would get some changes. There would be a new housing area in the east part and the park which is in the new housing area will be downsized. On the other hand, the school would take more space up than before at the same position.
18171 번 글에 선생님께서 수정하라고 말씀하신 부분에 대해 댓글로 수정부분을 남겨두었습니다. 확인하시기 번거로울 것 같아서 제가 가지고 왔는데 확인해 주시면 정말 감사드리겠습니다. 항상 감사드립니다.
*단위부분 After 24years, the data of male gender showed a decrease until 44years to the least at 39.5%. On the other hand, the number of female gender increased until 54years at the pick of 53.3%. 이런 식으로 나이에 years를 붙여주어야 하나요? 구어로는 나이를 얘기할 때 유아를 제외하고는 years를 붙이지 말라고 배워서 생각 없이 생략했던 것 같은데 단위라는 부분이 이 나이부분을 지칭하시는 것인지 궁금합니다.
A: 네 맞습니다! 일단 지금은 글을 작성하는 과정이고, 구어는 아니기 때문에 years 를 붙여주시는 게 맞고, 더 정확히 표현하자면 첫 문장을 예로 들어서, After the group of people from 24 to 34 years old, the data of males showed a decrease until the that of people of 35 to 44 years old. 이와 같이 적어주시면 됩니다 :)
*주어 수정부분 From this age group to the that of the oldest, the ratio of men who enjoy regular physical activity showed an increase until at 46.7% while the other (other 는 여성을 지칭하는 것인가요?) showed a decrease. 주어를 수정해 보았습니다. 이렇게 수정하면 되는지 궁금합니다.
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