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The above upper graph exhibits illustrates the purpose of studying among students within in various aged segmentations >> 다양한 aged 분열? between under 26 to over 49,>> 콤마 빼주세요 and the below the other chart gives some further information on Employer's >> 대문자인 이유가 있나요? support after graduation. >> 졸업 후 고용주의 후원에 대한 정보라는게 뭘 말하는지 모르겠네요
In the above chart To begin with, 80 per cent of under 26 aged students aged under 26 responded that their main reason for study is for their careers. Surprisingly, it is obviously seen that as people grow up more, they tend to focus on interest feel interesting more by on studying. However, few under 26 aged students students at age of under 26 said that they are likely to study for having interest >>?? 뒤에 콤마 빼주세요, at 100 per cent. This percentage was constantly going up for every decades and it peaked in reached a peak over 49 years people at 70 per cent by over 49 years people. From the below graph >> 유기적으로 넘나들면서 분석하는겁니다 이렇게 하나하나 어디서 이렇고 말할 필요 없습니다, We can recognize >> task1 task2(예시 부분에선 가능) 모두 we 라는 식의 말은 쓰지 않습니다 객관적인 시점에서 1 인칭이 아닌 시점에서 써야 합니다 it is recognized that some information about employer supporting of employers to different age groups >> support to different~~ 도 말이 안 됩니다 that 절이라 완전한 절이 와야 하는데 동사가 없죠. The youngest age group was granted a better treatment from their managers. Otherwise, the percentage of supporting >> 형용사입니다 trended to diminish toward older groups.
To sum up, from both charts, we can understand that the younger groups tended to study for future careers and older groups are inclined to have interests toward money. Furthermore, the younger groups usually took an advantage of being supported by their employers rather than the older groups.
옳지 않은 단어 사용으로 혼란이 생겼습니다 나이를 표현할 대 전치사의 위치나 쓰임이 어색했구요 글자수 줄여주세요 너무 많네요 만들어진 혼란들이 아예 무슨 문장인지도 모르게 만드는 것도 있었고 틀린게 꽤나 많아 감점을 많이 드렸습니다 단어 문법 공부해주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
5.0 예상합니다 |