▶ Your Answer :
In modern society, people have different opinions on having a sense of competition or cooperation skills in an early age. Some people assert competition can encourage children's abilities effectively. However, I strongly believe co-operation is much more important for their future relationships and high quality of lifestyle as well as gaining a job. This essay will outline some reasons and present examples.
To begin with, some people assert that a sense of competition is vital for development of children's abilities. They believe the competition between children can push each other to develop and inspire them when they compare their abilities of studying or scores with their peers. It could be a good way to increase their educational achievement. Not only that, they will be exposed to more excessive competition when they grow up. Thus, it could be useful experience to practice.
On the other hand, a sense of competition is negative for children radically. If children only care about winning other people, they can be overwhelmed by their fierce stress when they lose. (“, they can overwhelmed by their fierce stress when they lose..” 대신 “, they can be drowned themselves when they lose.” 이걸 써보고 싶은데 어떤식으로 써야하나요? <(what do you mean by drown? or you can say "they can lower their self-esteem") ) Not only that, they cannot maintain a deep relationships with their peers, because they do not know how to be pressure other's happiness <(??). In addition, it can be a the problem to gain a job as they grow into adults. <(이 내용은 위 문단에 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. sense of competition의 단점에 대해 focus가 더 가 있기 때문에 마치 두번째 관점이 이것인 것 처럼 들립니다. 하지만 cooperation을 배우는게 왜 더 좋은지 서술을 해주시고 focus를 해주셔야합니다) There are many chances to work with other people in the current work field. Teamwork and cooperation skills are more crucial than individuals' success. If they are only interested in winning other people, it cannot help their promotion in work positions. Also, companies do not want to hire the employees having lack of cooperation skills. Overall, an excessive sense of competition can negatively affect to children's interpersonal relationships and personalities by obtaining stress by themselves and having lack of cooperation skills.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이가 sense of competition을 반대하는 이유는 두 번째 문단에 서술을 해주시고 세 번재 문단에서는 두 번째 관점인 cooperation skills help children to be more useful adults에 대해 focus를 해주시고 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 아니면은 두 관점에 대해서 서술을 해주시고 글쓴이의 의견을 또 다른 문단에 서술을 해주셔도 됩니다. 문법상 plurality/spelling/article use/수동태 활용/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |