▶ Your Answer :
Educational
institutions offer a better curriculum for talented students. <Need better coherence> While the majority
of people argue that it would be useful to include international news as a subject
in the secondary school curriculum, others believe that this is a waste of students' time since they are already overloaded with particularly subjects. However, I
utterly believe that curriculum reform in which affords overseas issues should be is done
for good educational ones<(what do you mean by ones?) and creating opportunities for secondary school
students.
Admittedly,
international publishes have to be learned by secondary students since coming
as main subject to be accepted as students in overseas.<(unclear) As an obvious fact, remaining 90% senior high school curriculum <(unclear) in China introduces BBC and CNN news
to broaden student’s horizons for reaching the achievement of international
recognize qualification.<(unclear) As a result, such international news actually help
students to compete with positive views of globalization. <(무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다)
Conversely,
unless specific subjects address concerted efforts whether they are more likely
to suit best time to learn their overloaded lessons as students have to learn
overtime about 3-to-5 hours per days.<(run-on sentence/unclear) Therefore, several education systems may
ultimately be judged in terms of equality of international news, which is
inherent in the system. For instance, Education of Ministry in Indonesia
perceives huge the proportion of secondary school curriculum accounted for over
12 primary subjects which students are crammed for it, in the long term, have the
effect of depressing opportunity for the less focusing on. <(unclear/what has the effect of depressing opportunity ?) As a consequence,
students push studying without deep understanding. Alternatively, in my view, I
believe that reducing overloaded subjects and then including international news can
support to make an educational opportunity more equal high-achieving in overseas <(?).
As such globalization news that make it possible for students who have
international horizons to free afford tertiary education between countries. <(sentence fragment/incomplete sentence)
To
sum up, international news is often done for excellent education systems. However,
it is becoming difficult problems for students who have overloaded subjects
because class lessons need to be vast range of time <(?). Where possible, new
government guidelines on what school curriculum should take attention to
include international news that provide the motivation to excel by reducing
other main subjects as simple as possible. <(sentence fragment/main verb is missing)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 문법이 틀리시거나 어색한 문장구조를 써주셨거나 표현이 어색하기 때문에 이해가 잘 안되는 곳이 많습니다. 그렇기 때문에 전체적으로 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 clear하지 않습니다. 문장 쓰시는 연습을 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |