▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that a the massive number
of minority languages are existed all over the world, but those languages are going reaching to the extinction on every each year. With regards to this issue, some
people may insist that, this phenomenon leads people to be lived in the an easy
life because cause of only the common languages will are only remained in the world. However, I completely
disagree with this contention as it has negative impacts towards countries and
citizens of those that countries
It is true that many uncommon languages are
dying out nowadays instead of being preserved preserving it for the next generation, due to the
fact that the globalization and the new way of business. In fact, languages of
some countries can seen be distributed as the culture, asset and representative of those that
countries such as Chinese and Korean. According to a survey conducted in USA in a few years ago, the one of the most attractive language was pinpointed to with Korean,
thus, many other foreigners had a curiosity about Korean. In other words, the
languages can be one of the advertisement sources because the formation and
shape of all languages are different, thus, it makes people to be attracted to learn
about it. <(이 문단이 전달하고자 하는 것이 무엇인지 clear하지 않습니다. 언어가 없어지는 것에 대한 단점을 서술을 해주신 것이 아니며 또는 언어가 없어지는 것이 왜 중요한 문제인지 서술을 해주시지 않았습니다. Topic sentence에서는 minor languages가 없어지고 있고 그것은 globalization과 new way of business 때문이라고 하셨지만 그 다음 내용은 언어는 한 나라의 문화와 재산이다 라고 해주셨습니다. 내용 연결이 안되며 전체적으로 unity가 떨어지는 문단입니다)
On top of this, the enormous number of
languages bear the many meanings of on each word about their history and culture,
thus, it should be protected even if it does not help people to live in this world. has not to be died out, even if those languages does not help to people
to be living in world. For instance, a huge number of people are speaking with
fewer languages without border of countries <(?), and then they will lose their
identity and creativity of their own language. <(Need to elaborate more)
To conclude, it is clear that the rare
minority languages should be preserved by some countries because of that those languages are a living witnesses of history of those that countries. Therefore, it needs to be inherited to the next generation rather than using common languages.
Score: 5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장을 잘 reasoning/support해주시지 않았습니다. 두 번째 문단에서는 topic sentence는 왜 언어가 없어지고 있고 왜 이것이 문제인지 서술을 해주실 것 같았지만 내용은 언어의 역할이 무엇인지에 대해 서술을 해주신 것 같습니다. 세 번째 문단에서는 왜 지켜야하는지 써주셨지만 elaboration이 더 필요합니다. 또한 글쓴이가 introduction에서 써주시는 사람과 나라에게 끼치는 나쁜영향에 대해서는 서술을 해주시지 않았습니다. Relevancy/sufficiency에 조금 더 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 문법상 collocation/sentence structure/word form/number agreement/subject verb agreement/preposition use/article use/시제/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 문법에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |