▶ Your Answer : In the recent time, obesity is the one of the most crucial problems in some societies. The fatter people are, the worse their healths are >> The 비교급 문장은 엄연히 문법상으론 오류가 있는 문장입니다 구어체에 쓰면 더욱 좋습니다. Nevertheless, most people have been aware of this situation, but they cannot stop eating junk food such as pizzas and hamburgers.>> 왜 그들이 먹는걸 멈출 수 없었나요? 서론에선 의문이 드는 문장을 제시하시면 안 됩니다
The fundamental reason why people have got gained >> get동사는 좋지 않습니다 fat is that people have become more and more >> increasingly가 더욱 좋은 표현입니다 busy to doing hard work than before. Thus, >> 문두 부사 뒤에 콤마 유의해주세요 they have not enough time to take formal >> 적절한 단어가 안비니다 food such as homemade >> 가운데 대쉬 없습니다 food, so almost of them have tended to substitute house food with instant food. In addition, nowadays, people are unlikely to exercise enough, and also because instead of exercising, they enjoy their inactive hobbies such as computer games instead of exercising. These reasons I>> I 는 무조건 대명사입니다 mentioned >> I mentioned 말고 그냥 above라고 써주세요 makes human overweighted, as time goes by.
In order to solve these matters, people and society should endeavor in their particular ways. In individual ways, first and most importantly, people have to think their thinking of their health is the most significant things in their lives as well as they should creating a time to develop sound body,>> 콤마 빼주세요 in spite of the busyness and laziness>> as well as 앞뒤는 비교가 되는 구문에 따라 문장 형태를 맞춰주셔야 합니다. In government's case, it has the duty to protect nation's heath. Therefore, it should not only construct a lot of facilities which can help human refreshed and working out, but also provide various campaigns about fitness to encourage nation citizens >> 국민이란 표현은 굉장히 많습니다 그런데 nation만 쓰면 어휘에 분명 나쁜 영향이 있습니다 not to be fat through exercise.
Consequently, it's >> 축약은 안 됩니다 important to solve the obesity problems that people and the government have to exert all the efforts in their ways and be aware of its seriousness.
문법적 오류들이 많습니다 또한 내용들이 자세한 내용은 없고 뭉뚱그려서 말하는 듯한 것들이 있습니다 사람들이 바빠진 이유엔 뭐가 있으며 그로 인해 뭐가 촉진되었으며 등등 단계적인 설정이 없습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상합니다 |