▶ Your Answer :
People have different opinions on whether or not unpaid community service has been included in essential subjects of high school programs. Regarding this, some people argue that a forceful measure cannot help students understand the importance of community life. However, I strongly believe that experiences as a volunteer work can improve students to become a valuable member of our society due to>> due to는 부정적인 뜻의 ~때문에라는 뜻도 강한 면이 있어 with the reason of ~~ 등으로 쓰시는 것도 좋을 듯 싶네요 learning from experiences and developing individuality. >> 첫 줄에 빨간 표시를 한 이유는 지역 서비스가 포함되어져 왔는지 라는 뜻이 됩니다 문제는 되어야하냐는 것을 물어봤으므로 방향을 잘못 잡으셨단걸 알 수 있습니다
To begin with, learning from a personal experience could have a deep impact on students’ growth as a good person. In modern society, there have been many communal organizations provide elder-care or child-care service to residents, and they have given opportunities to participate in working for charity such as taking care the old or handicapped people. With this social activities, students may overcome the prejudice for positive discrimination and learn how to care for them. Moreover, students can develop social skills through this experience.
Furthermore, participating in social activities at young ages provides a greater chance to develop a sense of responsibility. While most courses in high schools have offered students as a passive form of education, participation involvement>> 앞과 반복을 피해드렸습니다 in community service makes it possible for students to be more active themselves because they have to make their own decisions; for example, what kind of social activity they will attend, what time they ought to arrive at community center, etc and so on. Such self-directed behaviors may help children act responsibly and behave independently.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that unpaid service has brought will bring great benefits to students becoming a valued member of society and developing their personalities such as responsibility and independence. Therefore, it should be encouraged to include in a compulsory part of high school programs.
문법에서 어느정도의 실수는 있었지만 이해 문제는 없었습니다
잘 쓰셨습니다 빨간 부분들 잘 봐주세요
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 7 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.5 예상합니다 |