▶ Your Answer :
Recently, people's levels of health has considerately decreased with getting >> get 동사는 피해주세요 putting on more weight than before. One of the main reasons why this issue has been focused on is due to fast food. The majority of people in society have been busy of working all along so that they can not >> cannot이라고 붙여씁니다 afford to have even a bit time to prepare breakfast or lunch. Therefore, they get to find an easy and fast way to reduce the time to eat and eventually they have become obssessed with fast food which mainly causes an obesity or any deseaces >> diseases related to increased their increased weight. >> one of the 부분 빼고 나머진 에세이 서론에 맞는 성격의 글들이 아닙니다 쓰신 내용을 기반으로 바꿔준다면 바빠짐에 따라, 식사를 준비할 조금의 시간도 없다 식으로 작문하는게 더 좋겠네요 그리고 해결법도 간단히 나타내주세요 예를 들면 I argue 바빠지는 세상이 비만을 초래하고 , which can be solved by medical therapy 등으로 간단하게 해결책도 나타내주세요
As it seems to be serious, we need to solve this issue quickly as it came to us. There are some suggestions that not only we can do and also our society can implement. First of all, any place where people work at could offer them a reasonable and enough breaks for them to eat have relaxed mealtimes. Thanks to this, they might be able to avoid at least fast food and willingly consume take much healthier foods that they might prefer than fast food. >> 주장하고 바로 결론 식으로 글이 나오네요 거의 본론1을 안 쓴거나 다름 없습니다
Secondly, what we can try not to get weight by ourselves is that during lunch break, we can gather in a group and if they start talking each other while they eat something , according to some statistics , they unconsciously consume >> consume what? less than when they eat alone. so >> so also and or but 은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 they dont >> do not 축약형 금지입니다 need to worry about being fat much.
In conclusion, I suppose that people's weight has been issued due to a short of time to eat >> 테스크를 유의해주세요 건강적인 문제로 이슈가 된 것입니다 and all they can eat in their current life is fast food. Therefore, if some places >> companies where people work for can change their own rules of breaktime and they people are possibly offered enought time to eat something excluding fast food, it would will make them much healthier.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 solution이 확실하게 드러나지 않았네요 처음이라 아직 Task2를 구성하는 법을 잘 모르고 계신 듯 싶습니다 Task1 작성해주세요 Task1 은 어떻게 쓰시는지 궁금하네요 처음 쓰신다면 Task1으로 먼저 어휘, 문법, 전개 위주로 보고 판단하는게 좋습니다 위에 표시해드린 부분들 봐주시구요 테스크에 항상 유의하면서 써주시길 바랍니다 추가로 세상에 어떤 에세이도 서론이 본론의 한 단락보다 길지 않고 각 본론의 단락들이 서론 본론1 본론2 결론 중 가장 짧지도 않고 결론과 본론의 분량이 비슷하지 않습니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |