▶ Your Answer :
Whether the
parents should be an educational figure teaching citizenship >> teach children a right of good person to children instead
of schools has always been a controversial issue in the education field. While
some >> some what ? some만 쓰지 말아주세요 people advocate that schools should be held >> schools should be held? 무슨 말이죠? accountable for the rule >> the rule? the rule 이 뭔가요?, I strongly
agree with that parents can keep their children on the right track in a more
effective and beneficial manner.
First and foremost, parents are empowered to punish their
own children. These days ,whereas most of educational institutions over the world have been deprived of the right, which means that
children are no longer afraid of their instructors and less likely to follow
the direction of them >> why?. However, parents can correct the wrong behavior of
children and teach public etiquette with appropriate reprimand and punishment.
In the past, when education was not prevailed, each household was totally responsible
for instructing sociality and citizenship to their children. >> 예시가 없네요 앞에 말한 요즘 교육 시설들이 권한을 박탈 당해서 애들이 무서워하지 않는단 것에 대한 예시가 나와야 합니다 In the past 부분은 짧아서 그냥 없애는 편이 낫겠구요 혹은 예시 다음에 정리로 나와도 될 듯 싶습니다
The mountains
of scientific evidences suggest that Secondly, most of the children are largely
influenced by the surrounding people around them, which means that they imitate the actions
of parents during childhood.>> 인과 관계가 어색한 부분이 있습니다 단순히 주위 사람들을 따라한단게 꼭 부모에게 배워야 한다는 전적인 이유가 될까요? 오히려 사람이 다양한 학교가 좋다는 의견을 쉽게 생각할 수 있어서 설득력있는 주장이 아닙니다 When considering a fact, the best way to learn desirable
attitudes as a social member is showing the observance of public rules and custom
to them. For instance, children are learned about table manners by looking at what
their parents do during the meal.
Therefore, they should
strive to be an exemplary model of parents>> 부모의 모범적인 모델이 되기 위해 노력해야 한다? although schools teach regularly ethic
and public rules.
본인의 생각을 나열하는 것은 좋게 보입니다 그치만 그 과정에서 납득할 수 없는 부분이나 설득력이 없는 부분과 더불어 마지막 결론엔 아예 다른 내용이 나오게 됩니다 쓰시면서 아마 집중력이 떨어지는 스타일이라고 보여집니다 꾸준히 쓰면 그런 것들이 고쳐지구요 관사에서 the를 자주 쓰는데 본인만 아는 내용을 남한테 설명할 땐 the를 붙여 설명할 수 없습니다 그 부분에 관해선 여기서 설명하면 길어지니 따로 공부하시는걸 추천 드립니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다 |