답안
With the development of the Internet technology, a considerable number of internet users are on the rise. Whether many industries perform online while face-to-face communication became less often is positive or negative >> 문제 제기를 하는게 더 좋고 whether 접속사 while 접속사로 주절이 나오지 않은 불완전한 문장을 썼습니다. I personally believe that the benefits of this phenomenon outweigh the drawbacks.
First of all, It is sometimes indicated that technology has deteriorated the emotions of people.>> 주장은 단언적으로 지적된다 이런 식이 아니라 감정을 악화시킨다 딱 이렇게 할 말만 써주세요 It is because they are foregetting forget the importance of meeting>> 무슨 미팅이죠?. To be more specific, human share their feelings by touching and >> 콤마가 아닌 and입니다 smelling each other, >> but 앞엔 콤마입니다 but they are used to for the commucation via the Internet like >> Internet 은 I 가 대문자로 쓰이고 like 보단 such as 가 더 아카데믹한 좋은 표현입니다 online chat or SNS. Thus, >> 문두 부사 뒤엔 콤마가 붙습니다 people may have problems on their face expressions problems regarding to in relationships. >> 예시가 나올 땐 예시라고 확실히 밝혀주세요
Despite the disadvantageous view, there are various kinds of bright side. First and forest, On the other hand, citizens can experience convenience of the service>> what service ?. To illustrate, when using the Internet shopping websites they have a shopping on the Internet, the online shops offer a wide range of products and cheaper price than the other offline shops. Moreover, a person living in rural areas or far distance from the city may order whenever they want. >> moreover는 주장을 나타내는 부사입니다 보면 앞에 내용들과 전혀 다른 내용의 문장이 나온 걸로 알 수 있습니다
Furthermore, organisations are also receiving advantages >> 너무 제너럴합니다 어떤 기관들이 어떤 이익을 받는지 정도는 주장에 제시돼야 합니다. If there are urgent business situations to send essential documents, employees can use the company's intranet or an e-mail. This method is not only the fastest but also costless way to remedy the situation. >> 예시도 없고 근거도 터무니없이 부족합니다
To recapitulate, although the Internet communication sometimes cause a lack of interpersonal skills, it is undeniable that the convenience relating to the Internet technology is far more numerous.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 띄어주고 시작해주세요 쉬운 문법들이 지켜지지 않은 곳들이 보이고 가장 큰 문제는 논리입니다 현재 너무 짧은 본론들이 3개가 나왔습니다 하나를 없애고 없앤 만큼 남은 두 본론에 예시나 설명 부분으로 추가하는게 훨씬 좋습니다 이도저도 아닌 글을 만들진 말아주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.5 예상합니다 |