▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, the public health has become an important issue in many countries. Some people insist the best plan to improve public health is by building more sports facilities in countries. Others, however, contend that the plan is not an obvious solution and efficient effect on public health and other measures are stipulated.
First of all, increasing sports facilities is a reasonable way to improve people’s interest about exercise. This is because people could easily find sports facilities everywhere they live. It means that exercising is closer people’s life than before and easier to start for those who want to improve their health become people who want to improve their health, easier to start exercise. Moreover, sports facilities are usually included with various equipment which need to some special exercise <(??). People can easily access those devices and use it. Therefore, it is evident that increasing sports facilities is a the considerable way to improve public health.
On the other hand, there are several problems in this suggestion. Building new sports facilities requires a great amount of is required a lot of spend of government money. In addition, there are not enough people who want to use regularly use sports facilities. Some believe that increasing the number of sports facilities is wasting of money. Furthermore, sports facilities do are not affected to people’s awareness of health. If people do not care about their health, they will not be interested in do not interest using sports facilities, even though they live close to those facilities. Advocates of this argument insist that other measures such as campaigns implemented by the government, are more effective to improve public health. Therefore, it is a waste of money and time to improve public health by increasing the number of sports facilities.
To conclude, as I mentioned above, there are more reasonable ways to develop public health. It is the first task that governments should focus their intention on developing people’s awareness of health. Because people do are not usually care about their health in a fast-paced society.<(sentence-fragment. 앞문장과 콤마로 연결해서 써주셔야합니다.)
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 discuss 해주셨습니다. 다만 문법에 자주 틀리시고 계십니다. 주로 동사와 관련된 부분에서 틀리시고 계십니다. 조금 더 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |