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One of the most significant current discussions in school education possibly is be the students' health. Far too little attention has been paid to the teaching of health to students, while there may be too much emphasis only on the academic achievements. In this essay, I will argue that students should get trainings about maintaining maintaing a healthy body at school.
To begin with, current situation regarding schools' health education could be described as miserable, and it has made students' health dangerous. This is because there has been a lower importance of health education over the major academic subjects such as physics and mathematics, as most schools have prioritised teaching of students for an a university entrance exam. Such trend has widely caused a teenager obesity problem in the United States, and oppositely, resulted in the below-average body weight issues of Korean high schoolers. 미국의 과체중 문제/한국의 저체중 문제를 굳이 언급하는 건 흐름에 어울리지 않는 것 같아요. 전반적인 학교 건강교육의 부족 문제를 짚고 있으므로 학생들의 건강문제가 교육부족으로 인한 것이라는 인과관계를 밝히는 것이 중요한데, 성적에만 집중해서 미국아이들이 비만문제를 겪고 한국 아이들이 저체중문제를 겪는다는 연결은 논리상 어색합니다. Because it is socially detrimental, schools should conduct more health education for their students.
Furthermore, teaching students about the importance of well-being can help their studies and lives. Early learning about healthy eating habits and constant exercise are very benefical, as they assist in maintaining the focus while studying, as well as improve the daily performance. Many researches on health show that the continuous exercise with balanced eating habits is are proven to increase the brain's memory by eighty-percent, and also double the level of immune system of our body. By considering the fact that building a new habit is extremely difficult in later adulthood, it becomes a great agreat advantage for students to receive the education when they are still young.
Altogether, it is clear that the health education in schools provides proven benefits not only to the students themselves but also to the society by reducing the number of unhealthy students. It may be important to purely focus on studying exams, but I firmly believe that reasonable times should be allocated for learning about keeping good health as it is a fundamental for one's living.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 8 very good user
내용 흐름이나 문장 구성을 굉장히 잘 하시는 것 같아요. 매끄럽게 잘 읽히고 문단마다 사용된 근거들도 좋아요. 문단을 전개하면서 흐름이 어긋나는 내용이 생기지 않게 조심하면서 연습하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다~! 아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성 |