▶ Your Answer :
Today's parents tend to teach their
children to make an effort to be better and stronger than others instead of
cooperating with people. While some people think it has positive effect on
individuals, I believe that it would be likely to have a negative impact.
On the one hand, teaching young children to
become more competitive could be good for their future. Nowadays, society is
becoming increasingly competitive, which means having better skills and
information can be the best route to a successful career. For example,
"smart" young children well prepare their career for their future as
they recognize how important gaining better score in the exam is to enter prestigious
university that can give them more opportunities when they take the first step
into the society. Moreover, they can make a decision quickly without being interrupted
by considering other people. In this way, they progress faster in terms of
their study and accomplishment.
However, I would argue that these benefits
are outweighed by the drawbacks. Decrease in social values such as
consideration of other people and mutual cooperation will result in poor
society that is barren and frigid when it comes to social atmosphere. As a
result, our society will lose its diversity, making people only focus on their
own profits and success; they might be afraid of trying new things that can
damage their career. In my country, South Korea, for instance, people today
often seem to be indifferent to with their neighbors, which was opposite trend
just 20 years ago; it was common for people to share their stories, food and
concerns. This is because of education primarily concentrated on social success.
In conclusion, it seems to me that there
are more values in our society about working together for common benefits than
trying to become better than others.
IELTS 1-9 score scale score: 8.5 very good user
문장이 매끄럽고 문제가 묻는 장점, 단점을 설명하고 나의 입장을 함께 잘 제시하신 점이 좋았습니다. 단점이 outweight하다는 주장을 support할 수 있도록 '장기적으로 봤을 때 사회적 발전이 훨씬 중요하다'는 점을 충분히 부각시키는 것도 논리에 도움이 될 것 같아요. 수고하셨습니다~!
아이엘츠 라이팅 채점기준 참고하세요 - TA/TR(Task Achievement/Task Response) 문제에 정확히 답변, 적정 분량 - CC(Coherence and Cohesion) 일관성, 응집성 - LR(Lexical Resource) 다양한 어휘표현 - GR(Grammartical Range and Accuracy) 문법 다양성, 정확성
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