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It is a common belief that the no-kids trend
between couples is wiser for the development of society in general.
However, there is a more persuasive idea that bearing children will definitely
give the community a bright chance for the growth of society because young
generation plays a pivotal role in the progress of a country.
On the one hand, some couples insist that a
life without raising children confer them a variety of the possibility to enjoy
their lives by keeping an extra expense for nurturing babies at bay. A family without offspring could not only save a lot of money which would be required to
feed and to educate their children sons and daughters but also can make an investment for the happiness of themselves. family(앞에서는 family without offspring이라고 하고 뒤에서 family라고 하면 오해의 소지가 약간 있으니 아예 확실하게 couple하게 적는게 좋습니다). For example, some husbands and wives prefer to spend their
salaries on traveling around the world and tasting delicious dishes instead of
having babies. Finally, the satisfaction of the family raises the level of the delight
of the community.
However, childbearing is more advantageous
to develop the nation with long-run perspectives. According to demography, Korea is facing an elderly
society which spells trouble for the lack of a productive power (여기까지만 써도 의도 충분히 전달됩니다. 뒤에 문장 쓰고 싶어지시면 아예 문장을 새로 시작하는게 훨씬 clear합니다) which has a
crucial potential to produce profits and competitiveness of the nation. Therefore, having a child
is a way to kick off the serial positive domino reaction for the success of the community.
To sum up, while it is apparent that childbearing is money and parental-sacrifice consuming process, it is undeniable
that giving birth and raising children would benefit society more by
providing a productive labor power to the community.
주제 자체는 아이 낳는 것이 positive한지 negative한건지였는데 너무 사회에 주는 영향에만 집착하여 에세이를 작성하셨습니다. 이렇게 한쪽으로만 쏠리는 에세이는 좋지 않습니다. 단지 사회가 아니라 개인 가정에 주는 영향도 함꼐 evaluate했다면 더 좋았을 것입니다. |