Global environmental issues are the responsibility of richer nations, not poorer ones. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many experts point out that not poorer states, but richer states should take responsibility for global environmental problems. I totally agree with this opinion for the two reasons below.
To begin with, a few overdeveloped countries are major subjects that have caused a variety of global environmental issues in the past. In the era of secondary industry, some nations, especially western ones, struggled to construct a number of factories in order to boost their domestic economy. In the process, many factories which give off a huge amount of the polluted materials had been made and a lot of parts of the Earth had been removed (지구가 하나의 기계는 아니라...parts, remove 등은 적절하다고 보기 어렵습니다. 그냥 damage 등이 나아요.) for the construction of them. Therefore, I maintain that the richer countries, not poor ones, should deal with the problems because they have taken financial advantages from the nature, even though numerous factories have been moved to other underdeveloped states.
In addition, even nowadays, a few richer nations play a crucial role in bringing out the global environmental problems rather than poor ones. This is because the richer the countries are, the more machines or vehicles people use. To specify, as there are more population utilizing cutting edge technology which would have a detrimental effect on the environment in the richer ones than in poorer ones, (이 문장의 경우, 정확히 따지고 들어가자면, 어떤 류의 기술이 환경에 어떻게 도움이 되는지를 구체화하는 게 좋긴 합니다.) the amount of harmful gas from vehicles or air conditions in overdeveloped countries would be more produced than that in underdeveloped ones. Therefore, the solutions which can be taken by richer countries would be significantly more effective.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that richer states, not poorer ones are responsible for the current severe global environmental issues, as they have made negative impacts on the nature not only in the past but also these days.
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
문법과 cohesion 관련해서는 깔끔한 편이었는데, 어휘 쪽에서는 저 위의 parts remove 등에 주의해주셔야 합니다. 어휘 쪽 채점기준은 단순히 다양한 표현의 사용 외에도, 그 표현들의 문맥상 적합성 역시 고려되기 때문이죠. 수고하셨습니다 :)