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With the development of technology, an increasing number of people play game with computer and smart phone. Some people argue that game should be stopped >> because 는 따로 쓰이지 않고 문장에 바로 사용됩니다 또한 because 로 문장을 시작하지 않고 시작하고자 할 댄 it is because 같이 시작됩니다 because it has many negative effects specially among on children. There are pros and cons about games. However, I believe that negative effects are more serious than positive sides.>> 단순히 추상적인 의미의 게임이라면 단수 이 게임 저 게임 여러 개를 한다 등의 말을 할 땐 단복수의 꼴로 나타내주세요 First of all, Children gain a stress from their studying and relationships between friends. It is helps to release >> 가장 기본적으론 relieve stress 가 됩니다 the stress of them. If children are bored in their free time, the game will also play the role >> 어떤 역할을 하나요? to replace boring moments. In addition, game users have abroad range of relationships with others who have the same habit. They can meet in a face to face and share their experience. For instance, my ex-boyfriend really liked playing game. He had periodic gathering with other game players. They not only talked about games, but also advised problems facing now >> 뭐에 관한 것이죠? 어떤 직면한 문제에 대한 충고를 한다는 건가요?. However, addiction is one of the most significant problems that the game has. Some children spend most of their time on playing games. The young should keep a balanced lifestyle through adequate study and activities including outdoor sports. If children play games for a long time, certain diseases, such as obesity and diabetes, can outbreak be caused on them. Furthermore, some games contain violence and sexuality for reality. Thus, it penetrates unconsciously to young people. These phenomena can develop juvenile delinquency. It is because they would like to imitate what they did on a game. It also can make negative effects in the real world.>> 갑자기 현실 세계에 부정적인 영향을 줄 수 있다 가 나오면 이상하게 보입니다 In conclusion, although, >> 콤마 빼주세요 it is true that game has benefits in terms of time consuming>> consuming what?, I would argue that negative effects for children does not to be overlooked. have not to be overlooked.
주장하시는 바에 비해서 양쪽의 관점의 차이가 너무 모호합니다 모든 뷰를 다루는 것은 좋지만 차이는 확실히 두셔야 합니다 위에 지적해드린 부분들 봐주시구요 잘 하셨습니다 Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6 6.0 예상합니다 |