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Generally speaking, no one denies the impact influence of inherent asset gifts on mankind. >> however는 부사라 두 문장을 이어주는 접속사 기능을 못 합니다 However, it can be clear that endeavor makes better situations and results. In this essay, I will discuss that effort of people is more important than inherent asset of them, following with appropriate reasons.>> 주제는 '사람들은 특정한 재능을 타고나지만 다른 사람들은 어떤 아이라도 배워서 그렇게 될 수 있다는 말입니다' 현재 작성하신 내용은 노력은 중요하다라는 포커스에 맞춰 작성돼 그 범위를 좁혀 주제를 포함하는 글을 쓰지 못했습니다
To begin with, it is generally believed that it is essential that people who have genious sense work on their business >> 주장은 단언적으로 써달라고 말씀드렸습니다 '~~하게 알려졌다' 가 아니라 '~~다' 하고 딱 잘라 말해야 합니다 또한 주제가 이미 genius가 있다는 전제하에 준 테스크인데 주장에서 genius가 있다라는 식의 말은 주제를 반복할 뿐이고 알맞는 주장이 아닙니다 . >>because는 문두에 떡하니 나오기보단 It/That/This is 를 데리고 나오는 편입니다 또한 접속사기에 becasue에 걸리는 절 말고도 주절이 하나 더 필요하구요 It is because, in historical case, we can discover >> we 를 주어로 쓰는 시점은 지양해주세요 3인청적인 관점 (people 등)으로 써주세요 it is discovered that some great musicians and artists. For example, such as Mozart. He was born with strong talents on composing music and playing the violin , even when he was 3 years old Mozart who was good at composing musics and playing the violin when he was 3 years old..
However, this may be true to some extent; most people do not notice >> On the other hand, their talents in common ways.>> 사람들이 일반적인 방법으로 그들의 재능을 알아차리지 못한단게 주장인가요? 오프토픽입니다 There are no good environments for young people in order to develop their original talents. For example, they do not have sensible parents to develop their own advantages and do not have enough money to promote. If they have good parents, recently, it is sociable trend that only endeavoring enthusiastic people would will be successful.>> 이 주제와 무슨 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다
Furthermore, there are excessively many jobs and open opportunities to approach in to modern society. It becomes people who have only inherent talents cannot be successful >> 무슨 말인가요? . To succeed in a part field, there are many methods, using backgrounds, money, and position, and so on. It is required to improve their status as they learn a lot of knowledge and skills as possible much as possible they can.
In conclusion, despite some advantages on people's talents, there are more drawbacks due to common societal environments. People ought to be recommended to make more efforts to be go on high level standing, not depending on their talents.
결론까지도 무슨 말을 하는지 잘 모르겠습니다 오프토픽이란 말로 쉽게 표현이 가능하겠습니다 현재 Task2를 작문하시기엔 이른 감이 있습니다 Task1부터 완전하게 끝내셔야 합니다 적어도 6.0 보통 6.5는 받아야 Task2에서 괜찮은 글들이 나옵니다 단어 사용도 적절치 않은 곳들이 있었고 품사들도 주의해주세요
Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |