▶ Your Answer : With the craving for tertiary education around the world, a growing number of graduates from secondary schools have decided to enter universities. It is felt found by many pupils that the major purpose of the educational institution should be is for the assurance of better job prospect. It would make sense to some extent, however, >> however는 부사로 접속사처럼 두 문장을 이어주는 기능이 없습니다 세미콜론(;)을 extent 뒤에 붙여주시던지 문장을 끊고 However, 로 시작해주세요 I strongly agree with that the education of university must be of beneficial to individuals and societies.
To begin with, it is an undeniable fact that one of the main aims of university leads students can find better careers after graduating from university. The majority of students anticipate that they will be learned marketable can be offered many opportunities to learn proficient skills and to participated in a variety of programs for employment. This is clearly illustrated in the case of For example, internship programs are provided by universities; the participants can comprehend the system of a company and social relationships by going through office life. That is why a increasing number of students have chosen to go to universities in spite of costly tuition fees.
Nevertheless, tertiary education heavily contributes heavily>> 부사는 동사 뒤에서 꾸며줍니다 to personal development and the advancement of a country at the same time. Firstly, >> 밑줄 다 지워주시구요 Otherwise, the career experience program from higher education offers students opportunities such as club activities,student exchange programs and community services which helps them to develop their social skills and cosmopolitan views >> social skills 를 제공한다가 아닌 어떤 social skills 인지 간단하게 말해주고 설명 부분에서 설명해주는게 훨씬 좋습니다. Secondly, going to university is the chance to develop responsibility and independence. Quite a few students have lived alone apart from their parents because of the far distance of their school from their house. As a result, they should stand on their own feet any burdens and take the be responsible to their decisions. >> 처음부터 여기까진 모두 individual 에게만 좋은겁니다 글에선 사회에 좋은 점도 있다고 하셨는데 마지막에 달랑 한 문장이 전부네요 Finally the graduates of university will contribute to the economical advancement of their country by committing to expand national industry and increase international trades.>> 한 줄이라 무슨 말을 하려는지 어떤 면에서의 경제적인 발전인지 등에 대한 설명이 부족합니다
Therefore In conclusion, it is certain that job prospect is considered as important concerns in entering university. However, there are much wider advantages. Given this condition, it is university education that Therefore, further education paves the way for individual happiness and better society.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 본문 1까지만 해도 아 괜찮게 쓰시는 분이구나 했는데 본문 2에선 좀 실망했네요 그래서 더 안타깝구요 본문2만 본문1의 고쳐드린 형태로만 쓰신다면 충분히 좋은 글이 될 수 있었는데 아쉽습니다 같은 주제로 지적해드린 부분들 잘 고쳐서 다시 써주시길 바랍니다 다른 주제로 계속 쓰면 늘지 않고 감도 제대로 잡지 못할 수 있으니 지금 쓰신 이 글에서 지적해드린 부분들 바꿔주세요 그러면 좋은 점수 예상합니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 7 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |