It is true that technology affects negatively in the modern world. Despite of the harmful effects of technology, in my opinion, scientists should pay attention not only to the innovation and invention of technology but also solving the problems of the environment.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why that scientists should continue to develop or invent technology. People will not stop using to use one of the technologies, vehicles: cars, trains, air plains, and ships. because it has already stuck sticked to our daily necessity necessary technology.<(문장을 because으로 시작하는 것은 추천하지 않습니다. 자칫 잘못 하다가 incomplete sentence/clause가 될 수 있습니다.) For example, every person people take public transport them to go to school or work these days.<need better cohesion> People's lives have become convenient now due to the transportation while the air is full have been fulled of pollution now. So if scientists do not invent new technology on vehicles such as electronic or hydrogen cars which is less harmful for the environment,the current technology might also be harmful in the future. Therefore, scientists should innovate and invent the technology. <(문장별 연결성이 좋지 않습니다. coherence/cohesion에 둘다 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 글쓴이가 하고자 하는 이야기는 좋은 것 같습니다. 다만 그게 잘 전달이 되고 있지는 않습니다. 순서를 조금 바꿔주시면 될 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 먼저 technology는 지속적을 연구를 해야 오히려 환경에 좋을 것인다. 연구를 하면 이러한 것을 만들 수 있다. 그렇다면 지금 사람들이 흔히 쓰는 transportation이 배출하는 pollution을 줄일 수 있다. 라고 하실 수도 있고 다르게 정리를 하셔도 됩니다.)
On the other hand, scientists should also need to concentrate on solving the environmental problems. People destroy too much of our environment like land, air, and water ,and everywhere. If we do not try to solve these problems now, it can be possible that our environment might never recover. In addition, it is possible that no life may exist on Earth in the future. there are be able to be no lives in the future on the Earth. Therefore, scientists should pay attention in order to solve the environmental problems too. <(specificity가 조금 떨어지고 elaboration이 필요합니다)
In conclusion, in my opinion, scientists should do balanced between innovating and inventing doing innovation and invention technology and finding solutions for the environmental problems. Then So,scientists can relieve release environmental problems, and technology will be useful and the environment will be clean in the future.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트 쥐로 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 단어 형태의 flexibility가 조금 한정적으로 보입니다. 일부 문구나 절이 어색해서 수정해드린 부분들이 있습니다. 그 외에는 내용정리를 조금 더 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |