▶ Your Answer :
(모든 문장은 대문자로 시작해주셔야합니다)
there is no doubt that most people desire
to have an opportunity to be living in a high rise building for improving the quality
of their life. <Need better cohesion> some people may insist that inhabitants in skyscrapers can feel be felt
more lonely and depressing. this essay will discuss regarding both views advantages
and disadvantage of this issues.
It is true that people can have many be taken lots of
benefits such as providing adequate facilities and well being systems to live
in a big apartment. if people live in skyscraper complexes, they can use gyms,
swimming pools and some other infrastructure without extra fees that was built in nearby
apartments. thereby, inhabitants can handle any problems <(what problems?) in the a building instead
of going move out far away from their house.
on the other hand, living in a big apartment
can bring be brought about some side effects to residential as they can feel be felt more lonely,
depressed and frustrated by themselves rather than people who live in a normal
house. according to a survey conducted in Korea last year, a group of people living in
complex skyscrapers who did not have the sense of satisfaction and sense of
belonging to live there.<(sentence fragment/incomplete) Due to the factors that people are more busier in
nowadays as the world has become modernized and they tend to be adapting to
live in that life, thus this phenomenon leads them to insufficient interaction with neighborhoods. furthermore, the houses in big apartments have a limit to
expand the size of it , and also, it does not have a place like a as garden for holding
parties with their neighborhoods. <(내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
to conclude, it is clear that living in a
high rise apartments does not yield sufficient positive impacts towards people
as the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. therefore, I would recommend people
to live in houses for having communications with neighborhoods.
Score: 6 Comment: 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 특히 수동태/능동태 활용을 잘 못하시고 계십니다. 또한 기본적으로 모든 문장은 대문자로 시작을 해주셔야합니다. 표현/formality/collocation/word form/plurality/에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 전체적으로 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |