▶ Your Answer :
Graduating from high school, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year before starting university studies. However, it does not always have benefits. Otherwise, they can gain valuable experiences for their adulthoods. This essay will outline both advantages and disadvantages and present some examples.
On the one hand, working and traveling can lead to some drawbacks. First of all, students do not have much experiences about the society and also have do not built build their own appropriate personalities yet. Therefore, if they gain bad experiences during that time, they would recklessly think the society is filled of harm that could negatively affect to their future lives and personalities. <(some drawbacks라고 해주셨는데 하나의 단점만 주셨습니다. 2개이상을 주시는게 좋습니다)
On the other hand, some people think these experiences have an astronomical amount of benefits. To begin with, they can develop a broader perspective take broad view. For example, I had not traveled until I was 20. I had not deeply thought about myself before starting to travel. However, by traveling abroad, I met various friends who inspired me to live a new life. They totally changed my perspective. Not only that, students can gain proper financial awareness as well as have responsibility as they earn money by themselves. <(너무 한 장점에만 focus가 되어 있습니다. 전달해주시는 두 장점에 대한 focus를 조금 더 발랜스를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
Overall, students can face with difficult situations also could be drown on themselves by working and traveling at an early age.<(run-on sentence/unclear) However, also they also can gain indispensable experience as well as proper financial awareness and responsibility.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 단점에 대해서는 하나를 더 전달을 해주시고 장점에 대해서 두 장점에 대한 focus/ amount of information를 조금 더 balance를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 Body에서는 I 라는 표현은 최대한 안 써주시는게 좋습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes/collocation/run-on sentence/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |